Nothing at all

I hate to make another blog post trying to redeem myself for not posting for so long, another entry filled with sentiments of toxicity and excuses for not having the time, energy or motivation to write - none of these things for now. The task is not to write an entry for the world to ponder on, but to record a reflection for the blogger to contemplate.

I've long ago established that I express myself well in writing. I may have abandoned this so-understood asset, but apparently these kind of ideas never change. I've said many times that I write especially under the influence of strong emotion. Maybe this is one of those moments when merely staring at the ceiling is not enough, not even a good conversation with a friend would suffice. It's time to write it down.

I've spent the past three hours retracing my childhood. Back then I was the "it" girl. I was, in my opinion, the most amazing child to walk the earth. I believed I could sing, dance, act, declaim and all the other options a child is asked to perform when young. I believed I was cute, pretty and that I had a chance to be Ms. Universe. Blame it on my wonderful parents, but like it or not I came to believe that I was amazing, thus giving me a concoction of ego and self-esteem.

To say whether that was a good or bad notion is out of the question. On one hand I did have a lot of air in my head. I was the worst self-righteous brat on the street. In another light, however, that same feeling of achievement and appreciation gave me a lot of self-esteem. Throughout my grade school years I believed I could do anything, that I could rule the world and be whoever I wanted to be.

And then I grew up.

This time, I more or less know how to gauge the truth of things. Apparently, I'm not the prettiest girl you would see. Boys don't turn their heads in my direction, nor do boyfriends give me the double-take while holding hands with their girlfriends. Not that I want that image, but my point is that I'm not necessarily gifted with good looks.

Lacking still is my talent. I used to think I was the best drawer, singer and dancer on the planet. My artistic skills, in truth and in essence, have remained dormant all these years, ceasing to develop at the point where I left off. People don't give me standing ovations for my song numbers, nor does anyone comment that my voice is even worth a shower song. And dancing? Most people in the world would rather not use "dancing" and my name in the same sentence. I think they'd call it disturbing.

Realizing these things wasn't so bad. I got to know myself more. And besides, at that time, though I never admitted it, I actually enjoyed being on the honor roll. I did everything in my power to be the best, to be on top. No exam, quiz or project was allowed to go by me without that touch of excellence. It is a feather in my cap.

And so it came to be that I was more famous for the grades I got from school. Sure, I liked that. It gave me attention, motivation, and right now I realized it gave me identity. Here was a girl who thrived on excellence, who settled for nothing but the best and always got it.

Then came college. When striving for the best doesn't always give the best to you, when sacrifice and service doesn't always guarantee fulfillment, and when each day of your life is like a race through time, trying to drag yourself through it all. Needless to say, I'm not the "it" girl anymore. Of course, it isn't really that big a deal, but I figured I really did get disappointed in myself. This is why I'm grade-conscious. To others it may be merely adding records to your transcript, but to my insecure soul it's trying to protect the one thing I've known myself to be. I know that when I lose that, I lose myself.

One way or another, I've learnt to deal with the fact that I'm losing grip of my past identity, but now I have the dilemma of learning who I really am. What fallback do I have? When people ask about me, they usually know me from the honors I've received. Inevitably, every one takes you in high regard, treats you like an idol. Many times I can't help but stop myself from correcting wrong notions.

Without the grades, the medals or the certificates, who am I, really? What can I do? And more importantly, what role can I play in other people's lives? Sure, I may be kind, people may love me as I am, but I can't help but think if a difference would be made if I was out of the picture.

Let me know if you don't care

Nothing more, nothing less

Like leaves off an autumn tree

Obliterating the rest

Hold on to dear past, let go no more

Reverse your path, think again

Gamble a gamble that was never played

Shall I play again? Or should you say?

Gamble as it may, game it is not

Games invest laughter

Gamble invests the heart

Tread not on the path others wish to take

Walk the road that young knights once went

Or at least one road I hoped you'd take

Many wrongs and sorrows I've seen before

Add one and break my heart once more

Many aches, many downs, many more to come

Not one ounce I wish, not an ounce more

Tis it too late to be wrong once more? 

Guilt is Irrelevant - Gregory House, MD

The title is from Season 3, Episode 20 ("House Training") of my personal addiction, House MD. For those who are not familiar with the series, it's basically about an obnoxious, egoistic but amazing genius medical doctor who specializes in diagnostic medicine - basically figuring out what other doctors can't.

I watched this episode upon returning home, basically anticipating to finish the third season pretty soon. I chose to blog about this certain episode because it especially struck me. In this episode, a woman with aboulia (inability to decide) was misdiagnosed to have either an autoimmune disease or cancer - either disease involved the body attacking itself, thus requiring that the immune system be suppressed, first through steroids and then through whole body chemotherapy. Unfortunately, the treatments caused her to become septic, indicating that it wasn't autoimmune nor was it cancer. It was simply an infection, which was later discovered to be due to her bra hook that pierced through the skin and allowed the entry of bacteria. What's worse is that the bacteria was merely Staphylococcus aureus, a relatively manageable and curable disease given that antibiotics can effectively work with the body's immune system. In this case, though, the patient's immune system has been severed, and absolutely nothing can be done to reverse it.

My dream of one day becoming a doctor always involved saving patient's lives, receiving gratitude from their families, helping others, all the beautiful benefits of being in the medical field. Let's face it, one of the common denominators of this world is that we are all susceptible to disease. Every one has a health status, and only the privileged medical professionals are able to address these concerns. Therefore the magnitude of responsibility on the shoulders of these people are beyond cognition.

Medical professionals have so much in their hands that we often forget that they are human as well. But I don't blame anyone for this. After all, if the difference between life and death was greatly dependent on you, there should be no room for mistakes. This was when I realized that after all this madness is over, I would be facing a different world as a doctor. No, it's not about insecurities or low self-esteem, I know I'm bound to make a mistake. Another episode of House MD, Season 1 Episode 21 ("Three Stories"), saw House lecturing a class of medical students. He remarked that inevitably, a doctor can and will screw up, and anyone interested in being a doctor should learn to accept that fact else he shouldn't even be in the field. I'm just so afraid of how I would take that all in.

When the most guilt-trodden member of the team, Foreman, approached House, apparently asking for some form of absolution, House said the line I used as a title. True enough, there was nothing they could do, but House further remarked that they did their job the way they knew how to. How they think of diagnoses and address diseases are what make them better doctors.

I've basically seen a sneak peek of my future. I'm not saying I'm ready, but I hope I will be. Of course I wouldn't intentionally do that to a patient, but I feel that, when I'm in that position, a dying patient is almost tantamount to an evidence of murder.

On Inspiration and Writing

So maybe zombies do exist. I am here, right?

Well, aside from the fact that stress has basically consumed the life out of me, my most recent post will tell you I haven't had much time for writing. True, I had been piled up with requirements from all directions, and I still thank God that He got me through that. However, admittedly, I also devoted my time to Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Formspring and whathaveyous. My passion for writing has unfortunately dwindled as I have come to write only for back-breaking requirements or have satisfied myself with typing short and oftentimes misspelled comments on social networks. No wonder I feel like a failure.

This just isn't me. It's funny. I remember the time when I only had my diary to rely on. It was plain, old-fashioned cursive handwriting with all the drawings to go with it. I even had the notion that Friendster was evil back then (Haha!). I caved in when I finally got myself an email, a Friendster account and a Yahoo! Messenger account. It was in my sophomore year of High School when Blogger got to me as well, but even that had to go through several changes (read: password forgetting) before I got to this present account. Now I've been to more sites than I can remember.

Wow. Things change.

I've changed.

Now, I enjoy going to malls, watching movies, and whatever social satisfaction there is today. All of these were taboo about 10 years ago. I had sworn myself to dorkhood and I actually enjoyed it. Not to spit on my current interests, though. I actually like the fact that I have grown to expand my horizons.

But there was a price all along. And I've only recently noticed how deep into debt I am.

I was very sheltered. Though that pretty much is boring, the good thing about that was my talents have been cultivated through that. I have a dozen of things to talk about, but let me just focus on one for now - Writing.

I've loved to write since forever. I have a collection of notebooks that hold my very own poems and often unfinished short stories. I was very much amazed at how I had written all of those. This isn't bragging. That statement stemmed from genuine regret, regret at having forgotten that talent, a talent that I had even shared with my father.

Today, however, while preparing for tomorrow's Panel Discussion, I stumbled upon Patricia Evangelista's website. I was initially only looking for a manuscript of her speech, "Blonde and Blue Eyes" but eventually I found myself in an ocean of her written works. It's not surprising since she's a public figure and a columnist to boot, but I couldn't help but think that I could do the same. I'm no celebrity but writing has always been my best avenue for releasing so many emotions. I dare say it's therapeutic for me.

I know it's kind of too late to even think of writing regularly as summer is coming to a close, but hey, this post is worth a shot. Hopefully, this newfound zeal of mine can sustain me in redefining myself as a writer. I need not be famous, I just want to be able to write. All those years not writing equal a lot of catching up to do. Again, I'm not promising a regular writing habit, but the least I can promise is that I would view writing more than just a faculty that I can depend on. Obviously, that part of me has degenerated, and I have to fix that.

Crap

I haven't posted anything on this website for ages now. I haven't updated my life through this journal for as long as I can remember. But honestly I don't care. In the days when I loved cartoons and happy meals, I would have considered blogging (or back then, diary-writing) a very big deal. I would have been absolutely devastated knowing I haven't written for so long. Or maybe I am devastated, why else would I be posting? Or maybe I'm just overcome by stress. Maybe I just need a break. Then again maybe I'm losing my mind. But why would I lose my mind? Well, do I need a reason to lose my mind? Can't I just lose it? You can lose your car keys for no reason, why would the mind be any different?

Okay. I'm sure you sense by now that I'm not really fine.

Naturally, you'd be asking a reason. But like I said, do I always need a reason? Why can't I just go on with life being reasonless? Can't I just wake up one day and do things I don't have to give a reason for?

Stop. I'm sounding crazy again.

Back to reality. Yes, I am definitely not okay at the moment. It's not really because I have no reason, more so because I don't know which reason I should blame. A lot of things are bothering me right now. I'm not in the mood to enumerate them all. It's something I don't share often, and originally I would have opted not to talk about it at all, much less post it on my public journal. But the feelings are too strong at the moment, feelings I've been harboring for a long, long time but never really had the courage to share. Feelings I still believe to be ridiculed by most people. Well, I don't really care right now. Nobody reads this blog. And I want it all out. I will use no code names or aliases. This is the real deal. This is the real me.

The Date That Never Was

In celebration of Single Appreciation Day (originally Valentines' day), and in tune with my much-awaited DepEx detox, I present to you this short story that I have long been contemplating on. I hope that it reaches your heart and inspires you in line with the "festivities."

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Midnight. Living Room. I was browsing the channels on our TV, bored and not knowing what to do, even if I was pretty sure I was supposed to be asleep. In a few minutes I ascended the stairs and prepared to sleep. Just as I finished my prayers and unfolded my blankets, a text flashed on my phone's LCD: 1 New Message.

"Hi! Gising ka pa? Di mo naman kailangan magreply. Gusto ko lang remind yung bukas. Uhm, 10.30 ah, sa Jollibee Kalaw, ako na bahala from there. Haha. Sige, tulog mahimbing, See you. :)"

I was supposed to reply, "Di ka naman excited?" but what the hey.

*************************************************************

"Ate, Shishing na." (Gising na)

Had the above statement been replaced by the sound of an alarm or the trigger of my reticular activating system, surely I would not have gotten up. But it was hard to ignore such a cute wake-up call. It was my little cousin, Baby Dana. At two, she has an incredible ability to converse fluently beyond her years. She's been quite a chatterbox now, never lasting 30 minutes not talking. She just has to say something, even if it means asking where she is.

Anyway, it was my cousin who woke me from my slumber. I reached for my phone and discovered it was 7AM. I would have opted to get back to sleep, but my aunt remarked, "O, ligo na 'te. Ma-late ka pa."

Oo nga pala. I nearly forgot. I went to the closet and hastily chose my wardrobe. My other cousin,two months older than I am, came in and helped me out. We pulled out a skirt I wore last New Year. Realizing red would be the color of the day, we chose my black blouse. Black also lost me excess weight. :D

With bath, dress-up and powder out of the way, I descended to take my breakfast. To my delight, it was my favorite, broccoli omolette. As more of my family came for breakfast, I heard the expected teases.

"Naku, may date yan ngayon."

"Wala. It's not a date."

I quickly loaded my shoulder bag with my necessities, almost forgetting to bring my comb. My aunt stopped me on the way out. She pulled out her special perfume that she uses for special occasions. She sprayed it all over my body. My cousin arrived and declared her intent on fixing my hair. Ate Melissa is a maestro at things like these so I trusted my crowning glory to her.

I bade everyone goodbye and stepped out of our gate. I checked my watch and discovered it was 9:00 AM. I hailed a tricycle upon exiting our subdivision. When I got in, I looked directly at my reflection in the tricycle. My cousin did a good job. I had slight curls that masked my unmanageable hair and a cute clip somewhere on the side.

In no time, I was at the highway waiting for a bus. When I got on the bus. I quickly took the farthest seat at the back near the window, my favorite spot. It wasn't so crowded in the bus today, maybe because it was a Sunday. But still, I expected a lot more to be traveling. After all, it's Valentines' Day.

As soon as I paid my fare, I leaned my forehead on the window, staring at the traffic and metropolis scene on the other side. My mind began wandering, particularly on the reason I was even going to Manila today, on a Sunday, and more so, on Hearts' Day. How did it go again?

We started talking thru text. It's been a long time since I had a text mate. Before I knew it, he had met my entire family from various occasions. Next, I was surprised to get down to breakfast one morning to see him smiling in the living room. What surprised me all the more is that my family was OK with it. Apparently, he had contacted them and asked for permission. Knowing my family, that was quite an achievement.

On that visit, he asked permission to take me out today. And there I was. On the bus, on the way to meet him.

I had no idea at all what to feel. It never started like anything special, or at least I did not take it that way. I did not even notice the subtle hints he left along the way, if any. Somehow the usual kilig feelings weren't there either. I was lost in a kaleidoscope. No idea where I would go. No idea what I was doing.

Bus trips are fortunately or unfortunately quick on Sundays. At least I didn't need to wait long, but then I had to find a way to kill time. For some reason, all my past dates/pseudodates saw me always waiting for the guy. I have a tendency to become extremely early, so I always take the burden of waiting.It was still 10AM. 30 minutes to kill.

When I stepped into the fast food, I scanned the area for the least populated area and chose a seat near the window. I stared outside, expecting to see him walking towards the entrance. This was when a soft touch alarmed me from behind.

"Uy, di mo ako nakita?"

I was shocked to see him right behind me. "Andito ka na?"

"Uhmm, mga 20 minutes ago pa lang. Eto naman. Di ko nga napansin eh. Haha."

"Aga mo naman.Haha. Ano, order na tayo?"

He looked puzzled. "Hm? Hindi kaya tayo rito."

Why would he want to meet here if we weren't eating here? "Eh saan tayo maglu-lunch?" Di ba niya ako papakainin?

"Meeting place lang kasi tayo rito. Dun tayo sa may Rizal Park. Haha. Ayaw ko lang naman na maghintay ka lang sa labas, delikado na."

Na-touch at na-weirduhan ako at the same time. Haha. I followed nevertheless. As we walked, I noticed a paper bag with him but hesitated asking him what was in. I let my curiosity run wild.

We chose a spot near Lapu-Lapu. Haha. I just watched him as he unfolded a blanket, brought out tupperwares and tumblers. Picnic? An internal audience in me just had to say "Awwww."

"Oh, upo ka na." He smiled. I followed, "Grabe naman paghahanda mo. Di ko ineexpect."

"Haha. Ayoko kasi binibili lang lahat."

"Niluto mo to lahat?"

"Oo, tapos tinulungan ako ni Mama. Sabi ko kasi special day ngayon."

Skeptical, I asked, "Eh di marami na kayong napagluto ng Mama mo."

"Hindi rin. Sa pamilya siguro. Pero for my dates, this is the first time."

"Weh? Bola yan eh."

"Hindi nga. Dati kasi, like you expected, I just take my dates to restaurants and fast foods. Kita kami, order, bayad, usap. Minsan sine. Ganun lang."

"So bakit iba ngayon?"

"Ewan ko. I just feel like those things won't be enough anymore."

Ayun na naman ang internal audience.

I would have loved to narrate the conversation we had word per word. I'm usually good at memorizing conversations. But at the moment, words and memory fail me. It's either I spent too much time laughing or too much time listening. All I know was that I had a great time. He was a superb cook. His adobo, rice and mango float - all my favorites- were so delicious.

It was 12:30 PM when we finished our meal. I helped him pack up and and was prepared to leave. Ang bilis lang pala.

"Uy, thank you ngayon. Ang saya," I said, preparing to leave.

"Your welcome," was all he said, smiling. I noticed how perfect his teeth were.

"Sige, alis na ako."

"Bakit? Uwi ka na?"

"Oo, diba tapos na?"

He laughed and passed his arm around my shoulder. "Excited kang umuwi ah. May pupuntahan pa tayo.Tara. "

I followed with extreme curiosity. In a few moments. I saw a kalesa complete with a white horse. "Oh my gosh. Ang tagal ko nang di nakakasakay rito," I exclaimed with my hands cupping my face.

He helped me aboard the kalesa and continued explaining how he got Kuya Kalesa to take me out today. In a few moments, he asked me to wear a blindfold.

"Bakit?"

"Basta. Magugustuhan mo ito. Swear."

Sige na nga, I said to myself. I need not worry, anyway. I trusted him, and the dark trip wasn't that long or scary, especially when he said, "Wag ka mag-alala, kung gusto mo makita yung scenery magkakalesa pa tayo pag uwi."

Finally, he helped me remove the blindfold. "Ayan, go."

I was speechless. He took me to a place I hadn;t been to for a long time.

"Museo Pambata?"

"Ayaw mo ba?"

Of course gusto ko. Museo Pambata has been a huge part of my childhood. I was always a frequent here and it was one of my favorite places to visit with my family. I never expected him to take me here, but I was really happy he did. Excitement made me get off the kalesa and head for the entrance.

Again, narrating our trip would have been long and fun, but I find no words to describe how much fun I had. We visited replicas of caves, churches and forests. We explored the solar system. We stepped on gigantic piano keys. We played dentist. We played dress-up as firefighters. We studied different anatomical parts of the body. We went up and down the mini houses and in and out of bahay kubos. I hadn't had so much fun in so long.

After exploring, we got out and played tag on the playground outside and went up and down the slide. He brought me back to my old self, the me as a child, who loved to play around and explore, without a care in the world.

As he promised, we rode the Kalesa back and I was given a chance to admire the scenery. It was already around 5:00PM and I was wondering why my family didn't text. When he noticed my anxiety, he remarked, "Tinext ko na sila. Don't worry." Napangiti na lang ako.

We went back to our picnic spot earlier, where I said, "O, don't tell me may surprise ka pa."

"Last na. Promise. Haha." His brown eyes twinkled. "Pikit ka."

I closed my eyes not knowing what to expect, then I felt him pulling my right hand. Then there was a sensation of a leathery, rough stick. Flowers perhaps? He placed my left hand over the long stick. "Open."

For the fourth time, he surprised me.

"Bakit ito?"

"Ayaw mo ba? Uhm, ikaw kasi naisip ko nung nakita ko yan, diba favorite color mo yan."

He's right.

I was right, he did give me a flower, a rose. It could have been an ordinary red one, but the one he gave me was different. It was a blue rose. A rose I have long waited to receive. It was a gift I inwardly believed to be a sign of something special, something out of the box, since blue roses weren't natural. The thing is, I only told this secret superstition to close friends. Though we were relatively close, I never mentioned this to him, which made me all the more happier. As if involuntarily, I wrapped my arms around him in gratitude and said, "Thank you talaga. You don't know how happy you made me."

He hugged back, caressed my hair and whispered, "Glad you liked it, I love you."

I've heard this before.

But it I never felt this special.This time, in the middle of the park, where other couples were plenty, I felt safe and secure. Some time in that embrace, streetlights might have brightened the twilight, just like in the movies, but I was too happy to notice. I realized how superficial such things were compared to his warm embrace. I thank God I was with him.

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We hailed a bus back to Cavite and I was expecting to wave goodbye, but he followed me on board. I did not mind. I had fun all the way home. We never stopped talking or laughing. Our conversations just went from one topic to another. It was like being lost but still knowing where you're going, trusting that you have someone with you.

He accompanied all the way to my house, where we were welcomed by the tease committee. He had dinner with us, divulging as little of our date as he could. Around 8:00PM, he left.

Before going to bed, around midnight, I sent him a message:

"Hi! Sorry medyo delayed na to. Thank you ngayon. Di ko ineexpect na ganito kasaya yung araw. Salamat sa lunch, sa kalesa ride, sa museo pambata, sa habulan at sa blue rose. Di ko makakalimutan ang araw na ito. Goodnight."

Unlike me, he replied.

"Wala yun. I'm glad you enjoyed. Masarap pakinggan na masaya ka. Sana ganyan ka lagi. Ngiti lagi. Thank you rin at pumayag ka sa araw na ito. Di ko rin to makakalimutan, kahit kailan. At sana, maulit pa ito. Sige. Goodnight din sayo. :D"

*********************************************************************

"Ate, Shishing na."

I opened my eyes to see my cousin. I reached out for my phone, expecting it to be February 15. To my surprise, it was 7AM of Feb 14. How come? Did my calendar stop? Were me settings tampered? What happened?

It was quite long before I realized it was just a dream. But still, it was a dream I would never forget, It was a dream date. A date I shared with a guy whose name I do not know. It's quite funny that I dreamt it on this day. Out of desperation? I'd like to think not.

I believe I dreamt this dream with hope and love in my heart; hope that dreams like this still exist, and guys like him are still alive, out there, waiting, and love for the guy who would one day take me on this date and love me for who I am, unconditionally and selflessly. Ladies and gentlemen, this was the story of the date that never was, and the girl who still believes that one day, it will. Maybe not in the same manner, maybe not on the same day, maybe not in a way anyone would expect. But one day, it will. One day. :)

High School Youth Conference on Adolescence

First of all, I would want to publicly thank Mr. Dominic Paguio, my professor in Human Development, for coming up with this hilarious idea. It's because of him that 75 Freshmen had to come to school wearing their High School uniforms.

My Masci uniform, the royal blue-and-white attire with the matching necktie, has long been stored in my closet. The last time I remember wearing it was April of last year. True, I had quite forgotten how it felt to wear that uniform and may have even outgrown the excitement for it. But this day truly reminded me how much I loved Masci and how much I loved being a high school student (yes, despite the sleepness nights and toxic days).

I felt the need to write a note on the matter because I simply loved this day. This day is certainly one of the best of the entire semester. So in this note, I want to share with you the highlights of today and hope that I can thoroughly relay how happy this day was. Aside from this, I also wanted to conduct a series of mini social experiments. My hypothesis is that people tend to treat you differently when you are in a uniform. I took note of my observations for the entire day.

Masyado ako na-excite sa araw na ito kaya todo rin ang preparation ko. Talagang nag-ayos high school student ako. I even used the bag I used on my first day of First Year High School. I wore my blue headband, blue watch, blue kung blue! My entire image was simply screaming "Nerd!" and "Geek" and "Betty La Fea!"

Ako ang unang freshie na dumating. Pag pasok ko, ramdam kong iba tingin sa akin ng guard. Haha. Tapos narinig ko pa si Kuya Lito na tinatanong yung guuard about me. Akala niya naliligaw ako. So sabi ko naman kaya ako nag-uniform kasi adolescence yung topic namin at kailangan mag-uniform. Ang akala tuloy ng guard nagbagong-anyo na ang uniform ng UP. From Maroon to Blue. :))

Nagsimula nang magdatingan ang aking mga kaklase. Naglabasan na rin ang iba't ibang style at kulay ng mga uniform namin.It was all so amusing. Mukha kaming youth conference ng iba't ibang school o kaya'y youth seminar about adolescence. Bongga, nasa audi pa man din kami. :))

Nagsimula na rin ang lecture sa pagdating ni sir Dom. May pinagawa siya sa aming exercise that required each group to discuss different issues during adolescence. Normal class stuff, except that every time someone stepped up to speak, he or she would be asked, "Anong school?" Parang seminar talaga. :)

Natapos ang lecture kaya todo picture-an naman kami (To camera-possessing people, tags oryt?) We had our class pic as well as several other vanity shots. When it was time for lunch, I suggested we go to Rob. I know Rob doesn't allow High school students to enter until 5:00PM, but I wanted to try if the power of our UP id's would do the trick.

Naturally, the guard did not want to let us in. We explained things and stuff. She even commented that our ID's may just be replicated from Recto or something. I even remember her saying "Sarili niyo lang niloloko niyo." I could hardly contain my laughter.

After lunch, I parted ways with my group and headed for Cerealicious to finish my Comm assignment. After the homework, I began pondering on whether or not I would go to Masci. I originally did intend to visit, but I was having inhibitions since I may be forced to leave or else not be allowed to leave the premises before my last class at 4:00PM. I wandered around Rob for a while and discovered that the saleslady in the department store didn't pester me with "Yes, Ma'am?" "Ano po sa inyo?" I guess this implies something, eh?

I decided to go to Masci rather than stay in Rob. I was wearing a Masci uniform and in effect representing the school itself. Being seen in Rob wandering on a weekday isn't a very good image.

I was afraid to enter school for fear that I may have to leave. But I was blessed that my Kuya guards welcomed me anyway and told me it was alright for me to visit around. Yeay.

I consumed my entire time in Masci to greet and see as many people as I could. I knew that they would all be surprised at my getup. Marami akong nakita at nakausap today. I'm sorry if I could not mention you all. I will, however, highlight some of the general impressionsi.

Most people would hardly notice me at first glance. They probably assumed that I was just another student. I don't remember who said it, but someone mentioned na mukha raw akong Sophomore. Haha
- Nung napagtanto nilang ako si Ella, they naturally asked why on earth I was back in blue. I usually answered "Magrerepeat na po kasi ako ng HS. " :))

It was Ma'am Habal's birthday and I was privileged enough to have a slice of her cake. :) Thanks Ma'am! Happy birthday!

Piniktyuran ako ni Carla sa outfit ko.

Most teachers would look at me for a while and assumed me to be a student before realizing who I really was. Some, like Ma'am Reyes, had to think whether I had already graduated or not.

Time flew so fast I hardly noticed that I had to leave. I had short encounters with as many people as possible. But I was indeed very happy as I crossed the road back to UP.

Akala ko di ako papasukin sa CAS. Pinapasok naman ako. Haha. Sabi pa ni Kuya, "Ikaw ba talaga yan?"

When I saw Ma'am Pagtalunan, she of course asked why I was in my uniform. I answered, "Ma'am, I forgot to mention that I would be repeating high school. This I'm afraid is my last day in college." :))

My classmates had all changed into civilian clothes except for Ace. Kaya naman nagmukha talaga akong bata. Haha. Sabi nga ni Denise lumiit daw ako lalo. :))

Bago umuwi, nangtetrip ako ng mga tao. Ngakunwari akong isang nawawalang bata na hinahanap ang iba't ibang lugar sa UPM. Buti sinasakyan naman ng mga blockmate ko. :))

Some quotable quotes that I remember throughout the day:

"Bagay pa rin sayo yung uniform" - Sir Adam

"Na-miss ko yung physique na to!" - Francis, pertaining to my getup (Ako rin Francis, I missed it so much).

"Nene, mag-iingat ka ah." - blockmate

"Hinahanap mo yung Dean ng CAS? Kaharap mo na." - Tatay

"Mukha kang 2nd year." - Random person

Ang saya talaga ng araw. Masaya ako na pinanindigan ko ang uniform ko hanggang matapos ang araw. Ewan. Iba talaga yung feeling nung suot-suot ko yung uniform. Naramdaman kong bata ulit ako. Naramdaman kong High School ulit ako. Iba yung feeling. Ang saya talaga. Salamat sa lahat ng nakasama ko ngayong araw. Mahal ko kayo lahat. :)

Oh, and I just remembered. Some time long ago, I was told that I am prettiest in my uniform.

NOTHING IS FAIR

You (whoever is still reading) will notice that I seldom post entries. It must be the sched. It must be the exams. Then again it may also be the laziness. :))

But here I am anyway. It must be the sched. It must be the free time. Then again it may also be this incessant urge to remember, to commemorate.

What is there to remember? Check the date.

Don't know what I'm talking about? Well, that doesn't matter. It's not worth knowing anymore. In the first place, it doesn't exist. It's only worth remembering on my part. I'm like a little kid, reading an old book, reliving the days when Dodos were still alive. Yes, a mere discovery of what is extinct.

This post is similar to two of my previous posts, both expressing a desire to release emotions.

Today, I am supposed to be happy. Three years is no laughing matter. Three may still be a single digit, but that equates to 36 months of being together with one person. In this age of short attention spans and fickle emotions, that time is a doozy -- well, a doozy of happiness, that is.

You would think I would be celebrating right now. You would think I would be downright happy.
Sad to say, I'm not. I am at the far end of the spectrum.

The thing about those three years is that they are meaningless now. Sure, today may have been one of the best days of my life, and maybe for another person's. But that was the stupid past. Today is another story.

Anyway, today meant something else to me. It was no ordinary Tuesday. I have no idea why I feel a need to commemorate an obviously stupid date, but I do.

I saved the date on my phone's calendar.
I took time to decide on what to wear for today. Something that would signify the meaning of today. (I opted for my black Sci Camp 06 shirt, go figure)
Whenever I would write the date in my notebook, I would affix this: :c

Funny thing is, it seems the rest of the world was commemorating.

I thought about the date all day, and this is what happened in Soc Sci:

Prof: Kayo mga girls, kung yung friend niyo, parang kapatid niyo na, may boyfriend, tapos yung boyfriend may gusto sayo, tapos ikaw medyo bumibigay ka rin, itutuloy mo ba?
Me: Hindi po, masakit po yun pag ikaw yung girlfriend.
Prof: All is fair in love. Di pa naman kasal eh.

:((

Yan ang highlight of the day.

Nothing happened today anyway. Ordinary day if I say so myself. But to me the whole world was different, just because the number on the calendar read 10-13-09.

I don't want to say anything else. Happy birthdya na lang.

Oh, and here's my stat message in ym:

"3 years since my forever. 14 months ago it was over.
Tell me, how do you celebrate love with a broken heart?"

NEW SONG

Posted a new BGM. I really like this song and the story attache dto it. It's from the Koreanovela Spring Waltz. I admit that I am no fan of Asianovelas, but this one is just too beautiful to ignore. I remember seeing it on T.V. when I had nothing to do, can't remember when though. The trouble is, I lost time to follow it religiously. Then, while waiting for Mythbusters to start, I stumbled upon Studio23 and to my surprise, they were showing it, right at the part that I last saw.

Disclaimer: The owner of this blog has no connection with any part of the production of the song nor the Koreanovela mentioned.

Amazing, huh? Anyway, I still was not able to follow it the way a fangirl should. Haha. I only got to watch it during Wednesdays (days-off) and Saturdays (when my mind is focused on Mythbusters). But I wa sstill able to catch up on the story and feel those "kilig moments." One thing I do regret is that I was never able to see the ending, which according to many sites, was very touching. Too bad nobody's updated wiki on the ending. :)

So, here's the song, enjoy. :)

One Love – Acel Bisa

Higher than the sky above you
Clearer than blue
Brighter than the rays of sunshine
Warmer than what you feel
More than all the wonders you see
It’s the most wonderful thing

Brighter than the living colors of flowers you see
Sweeter than the touch of water
Flowing from the mountain spring
More than all the wonders you see
It’s the most wonderful thing

One love…
I love you so
Love is the beautiful one
I love you so
Love is the beautiful one
All we need is love
Real love

Marvel at the sight of greenfields
Amazingly seen
Watch the colors of the rainbow
It’s a miracle you see
More than all the wonders can be
But there’s more than that

One Love…
I love you so
Love is the beautiful one

Greater than what you can feel
More than what you ever dreamed
This is better than your everything
One love…

I love you so
Love is the beautiful one

All we need is love
One love

Bad Monday

I'm in for a hellish week and I've been through a stupid day, so I might as well be kind to myself for at least thirty minutes and release all the negative energy through this blog.

I had such a devastating (okay I'm exaggerating) day. Aside from the fact that I got up on the wrong side of the bed, I also had to endure an hour standing on the bus this morning. I was freaking exhausted and terribly wanted some shut-eye but I just couldn't get it.

By the time I was in school, I started entering into one of my bad moods. I don't know why I'm getting terribly moody these days. I don't know if it's the weather, the exhaustion, or the tremendous Masci memories I encounter. I have been missing Masci badly recently. I know it's ironic since five of my batchmates are Mascians, but somehow I miss Masci itself.

The whole idea of being a Mascian has always been a part of my life, and although the school is just across the street, I feel like I've been detached from it. I miss lining up before the morning assembly.I miss frantically studying in line. I miss seeing Mang Danny sweep some leaves. I miss Kuya Felix asking where Balasubas is. I miss buying load from Ate Canteen. I miss waiting in line for Kuya Xerox. I miss Carbonara moments. I miss writing excuse letters and having teachers sign them. I miss organizing school activities and watching your plans come to life. I miss our Pangkatang Gawain. I miss reading El Fili. I miss palitaw! I miss going to places because of activities. I miss being an Out of School Youth. I miss Parlia moments. I miss stressful days in the media room. I miss setting up the multimedia room. I miss announcing on stage. I miss talking to teachers. I used to be criticized for being so chummy to teachers. I wouldn't be surprised if others thought I was being the teacher's pet or something. Honestly, being friends with teachers has nothing to do with my aspiration to do my best. I don't know why, but I always have a certain affinity to people older than I am. I like talking to them about their jobs. I've always tried being friends with teachers, janitors, security guards, anyone who I encounter everyday. I just feel like I could always get a piece of wisdom from them, and I always do. It must also be because I never really had a lot of friends my age when I was little. Mommy and Dad always took me to their social functions, parties and gatherings. The kind of interaction I got exposed to was with the colleagues of my parents.

Moving on, I've been missing Masci terribly as you can see. Yes, I know I don't really have the right to complain since I practically see Mascians everyday. I just realized that Masci truly has been a huge part of my life. The last time school affected me this much was when I was under Mr. Dizon, my favorite teacher of all time.

Anyway, enough of the trip to memory lane. Let's go back to my stupid day.

I went to the library and did my N1 notes. I figured a cool environment would calm me down. I was there for 3 hours. After my library trip, I tried contacting Block26 about the Kanlungan script. It turns out they already submitted it. Unluckily though, I didn't know. Haha. I also happened to come across Ma'am Villarta. While waiting for a reply, I decided to eat my lunch. I bought my favorite viand - chicken barbecue. I figured since I was having a bad day I might as well compensate by eating. Since I was alone, I chose a table at the CN Tambayan and prepared to enjoy my meal. As I was about to start eating, one of the many cats of UP-Manila came up to me and started meowing at me like crazy. From what I've gathered, she was asking, no, threatening me for the my food. I thought I could just shoo the cat away, but it kept on pestering me like it was my inherent duty to feed it. I tried switching tables, but it kept on following me. It started looking creepy too. Its eyes were only slits and it looked like it was going to attack me. It didn't help that I have always had this dislike for cats. I probably looked stupid there talking to a cat in a freaked-out tone. I finally gave up anyway and just left my lunch on the table. Needless to say, the cat feasted on my Php60.00 lunch. Pfft. It's like my allowance is for feeding cats. Puh-lease. Di ako pinalaki ng nanay ko para magpakain ng pusa.

I was so irritated, both at myself and at the cat. I hate myself for allowing myself to be harassed by a cat, but I hate the cat all the more for being so greedy as to threaten me for my food. Curses.

Because of that experience, I swear I'll never eat in the CN Tambayan ever again. I also declare my new found hatred-slash-phobia for felines. Back then, my disliking of cats was nothing more than pointing out their bad sides. The dislike was only limited to me preferring dogs over cats. Now, it's different. Garfield and all his friends are now my enemies.

To make myself feel better, I had Claude accompany me to submit our Kanlungan script.

Since I had to eat, I went to Rob with Block26. I so wanted to try the new meal at Jollibee, but since I lost 60pesos, I had to settle for the Double Delight Pizza from Pizza Hut. Thank God Cheese&Bacon was available.

It's also good to know the cat didn't snatch my bottled water.

And so, the rest of my afternoon was pretty dismal for me. I did minimal socialization. A lot of people could tell that my aura was different today. I let DJ go home earlier. I really didn't want to send her away like that. It's just that I was having such a bad day. I guess it wouldn't have helped if I came along with her, else she would be the poor victim of my negative vibes.

Upon arriving at Lawton, I decided to compensate for my bad day with my favorite Belgian Chocolate waffles, but then another irritating encounter - the lady directly before me ordered 2 boxes of waffles. The order took so long that by the time I was ready to board a bus, the line was relatively long.

There. Now I'm off to face the remnants of my terrible day. Wish me luck. I hope things don't get any worse.

Bandwagon

Whoaaaaahh. This is me, posting an entry? Oh c'mon. This cannot be happening. Haha.

Actually, I was just inspired by the fellow bloggers Joyce and Isay. They all had posts today. Call me a gaya-gaya and all, I don't mind. XD

I also checked out my previous blog (a.k.a. vaindolphin.blogspot.com) yesterday. I was quite the blogger before. Haha. However I do not intend this post to be long. I just want to make an update. So maybe I am a gaya-gaya. Haha. Whatever.

Don't get me wrong though. My posting does not reflect upon my free time. I am not even sure if such a thing as free time exists. Haha. I have a departmental exam to worry about and that alone is giving me the creeps.

Blogs are always about what happened, what you experienced, etc. Today I am going to write about what I will be doing for the rest of the night. It helps when your work is properly organized so here goes:

- NSTP learning journal
- Ask Sir Laufred if we would still have our long test on Friday
-Work on NSTP scripts
-Re-read outlining for Comm
-MATH.

That's about it I guess.

Now let me tell you about some eccentric (well, at least to myself) wishes I have been having lately. I may not be able to remember them all, but I don't really care :))

-Meet the Mythbusters
I thought my obsession would subside when school begins, but no. This is an obsession that suddenly makes me want to be home all the time just so I could watch the show. Lately I've been sharing this tremendous passion with fellow Mythbyusters fans. Also, my obsession for Grant Imahara also has not subsided either. I still consider him as one good example of the kind of guy I would want to marry. Haha. He just has almost everything I have always been looking for - the brains, the skills, the charisma, and not to mention the looks. Haha. I am not really a sucker for the most good-looking guys in the world. Somehow I find some people cute and others think I am crazy. I have no idea why I have such notions about what is handsome and what is not, but whatever that is, Grant is just my perfect mixture. Haha. I even fantasize about actually being with them, being on the show. It's a wild, wild dream, and I don not care at all. :))

Hayy. I said I would make a list, but laziness has overcome me once again. It seems the adrenaline rush from talking about Mythbusters used up all of my typing energy. If only I could just drone about them. Haha. Anyway, I need to get cracking anyway. :D

Maybe some other time. :)

One Year

Happy birthday Sir Manuel.
Belated Happy Birthday Ace.

-----------------------------------------------------

I am about to begin studying for this week's activities. Although I do not have any upcoming exams marked on the calendar, UP life so far has taught me to always be prepared. However, just like in my previous post, I could not contain the urge to reflect today.

To many people, August 16 could mean nothing special. To others it could signify their birthday, their anniversary, their first baby and others. It is different for each person.

To me, August 16 is a day of troubled emotions, excruciating pain, treacherous illusions, shattered hope, broken memories... I could enumerate every metaphor available in my vocabulary, but to my opinion it would still not suffice for what I experienced on that day. Thankfully, I do not harbor all those emotions in the same magnitude today. But still, it is worth recounting how that day turned out, and worth contemplating on how I have been since that day.

Mind you, I still remember what happened that day.

I was to attend a seminar sponsored by the Rotary Club of Manila. As usual, I came to school earlier than expected. My world was a blur that week. Most times I hardly knew what I was doing. That was one of those moments. I reached for the cellphone inside my pocket and texted, pleading for a conversation.

The conversation progressed, and somehow I foolishly imagined light at the far end of it. My classmates who happened to browse through my inbox thought so too.

Attending the seminar was almost a waste of time on my part. Honestly, I tried concentrating on the speaker, but my mind just would not stay put. It fled to my textmate, my problems, my worries and fears. I continued engaging in an SMS conversation. I was a fairly frequent, not to mention fast, text messenger at that time, so every time there was a reply, another message would follow.

However, at one point, my thumb found it hard to encode the next lines.

When I consulted my mind, it had no idea what to say either.

I asked my heart, but I could not understand it. It seems it was too busy crying.

Flashed on my phone's LCD was a message I never imagined to receive from the messenger. They were a mere four words (Well, in text vocabulary of course), but they destroyed a multitude of arguments that I held on to for so long. It is astonishing how a few words could be so powerful.

Painful as it was, I continued the conversation. I learned a few more details that made things even harder to bear.

Somewhere along the way the seminar ended. Well, it actually ended for lunch break, but we left anyway. When I joined my schoolmates, I could not help but reach for an embrace and just let the teardrops fall. I am no crybaby. I hardly cry at all. I only cry for the most heartbreaking moments, moments when the human mind no longer has the ability to alleviate the suffering. Well, obviously, this was one of those moments.

Naturally, they were all shocked as I relayed what had happened. I could still remember how I cried in the comfort room, while they were all trying to comfort me with their words, saying I deserved more than that. They kept on comforting me as we rode back to Taft Avenue from Makati. It is funny, the four words contained in that text message created a whirlpool of devastation, and yet the kind and comforting paragraphs of my companions hardly made me smile.

But to this day, I thank the persons who were with me on that day, for catching me when I received the first blow, for wiping my tears when they first dropped. In the event I was alone in those moments, I know things would not have been the same.

We went to KFC. Seeing my depression, Oliver offered to buy me something. I appreciated all of them for being so kind to me. They knew what I knew, that I should just forget about it all, that I would get along just fine, but still they empathized with me, sensing the pain I was going through.

---------------------

That was not the end of the day. I know for certain what else happened, but it just does not feel right to reiterate the rest. Now is not the time.

What happened after August 16 was a series of struggle, anger, depression, disbelief, useless hope...

How did I get through?

I guess I should save that part for another post.

Right now, I just want to share some lines from a song... This song seems to echo everything that happened...

James Morrison, Broken Strings

You can't play on broken strings
You can't feel anything
That you're heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you someting that ain't real

Running back through the fire, when there's nothing left to save
It's like chasing the very last train, when we both know it's too late...

Of Forkroads and What Ifs

My blog screams for updates. My worn-out body aches for a detoxification. My pierced soul cries for an outlet. I do not really care whether I become offensively explicit or overly frank here. No one reads this blog anyway.

Funny that I should decide to make an entry on this momentous date. To be honest, I still have a load of work that needs accomplishing, but I could not resist the urge to post something. I could have posted on any other day, yet I want to make this day memorable, make it immortalized as a date that will forever remind me of my past. With fifteen minutes left to spare, I better make it quick.

Various points in our life will show a multitude of uncertainty. Particularly, we are often faced with the never-ending question of "What if?" At one time or another, we will be forced to make choices. It may be as simple as choosing what color to wear, what meal to eat, what book to read and the like. Inevitably, life will be full of decisions.

Look back on one forkroad of your life. What if you chose the other path?

Last year, on this date, roughly 4 four hours ago, I was met with an indefinite statement. Well, it started indefinitely at least. It began with an uncertain feeling that developed into conviction. That was the day that every single entity that I had known for so long shattered into pieces and resolved itself in the realm of oblivion; that was the day I felt my heart squeeze itself, as if wanted to dissolve into nothingness as well; that day, I was told of the Tale of Two Birds.

At that specific moment, I realized I was never sure of anything at all, and yet I refused to believe it. I wanted to believe that amidst all the uncertainty in the world, I could hold on to that one fact that I believed would forevermore keep me alive. But that night, my certainty began to shake; eventually it fell, and when it did, it pulled down everything else in my life.

I am very well aware of what that uncertainty led to, but I was just wondering, what if events did not transpire as they did? What if a different choice was made? Would I have been any happier? Would I still be here where I am? Would I still be sure of that one entity? This si the trouble with "what ifs" - you will never be able to know the answer.

Well, at least there's one thing I am certain of. If that moment did not occur, or if life had gone the other way, I would not be typing this insanely emotional and disgusting post.

I am glad God still loves me. (Oh, that's another certainty)

--------------------------------------------------------------

Happy Birthday Sharky,

Hurray for College!

Ta-daaaaaa! I have returned after not posting anything for so long. Haha.

So, COLLEGE NA AKO. Yeay. Haha. It is still a little hard to believe since I still feel like I'm a little lost and disoriented kid. Haha. Obviously, it would take a lot of time and painstaking to remember everything that happened from the first day. So I'll be generalizing. Haha.

Ano susuotin ko?
This is normally the first big question I ask myself everyday. Haha. OA much? I don't know. I used to be only grade conscious and hair-conscious. Ever since I stopped wearing uniforms, I'm getting dress-conscious as well. I know people won't really notice what I wear everyday. Anyhow, I like to look good still.

My blockmates have decided to impose a "color of the day" thing. This is gonna help me a lot. :)

FX facts
Just like last year, I h still hitch a ride on Kuya Jobert's FX on the way to school. The trouble is, I have to get off at Pedro Gil now. I can't simply walk from Kalaw to Pedro Gil anymore (although that would be splendid exercise :D ). So my mom talked to Kuya Jobert. Now, he re-routes his FX just to get me right in front of UP-CN, for a little added fare, though.

7-eleven Series
Since I get to Manila one hour before my classes actually starts, I stay at 7-eleven across the street. I use the one hour to comb my hair, powder my face, read a bit, and buy a bottle of water just so I don't have to look like I did something for the store. Haha. This is also where I meet up with my friends before class. Before, it was just me, Bez (Mark), Dencio (DJ) and Tatay (Vincent), but recently, Ace and Kevin have been there too. Yeay. Happy life. May the guard never hate us or send us out. ;))

Attention Span Alert
In HIgh School, I only need to endure a subject for one hour. In college, it's a big challenge for me to wake myself up and start listening again. I've read that the human attention span can only last around twenty minutes, so I have to keep on renewing that once I realize my mind is drifting off. My shortest class is one and a half hour. Oh well. Just needs a little getting used to I guess.

Saan ako kakain?
I could have stuck to bringing lunch, but no. My mom thinks I should start buying food now and somehow learn to budget the allowance. I realize with restaurants scattered around UP plus the heft treasure still in Rob-Manila, that task is kinda hard. I have to consider myself lucky that our breaks are relatively long. :)

Part one muna yan. Tinatamad na ako eh. Haha. And I have a quiz in N1 tomorrow. I also have to start reading that Algebra Module. :)

Pre-college jitters

Love is like a diamond; it takes years of pressure, pain and sacrifice to transform it into its greatest. However, just like a diamond, one love can only be destroyed...by another one.

-----

Wheee. I'm actually college by tomorrow. Haha. I thought I'd mke this post just before college so that I can savor the time that I'm still free and equipped with the luxury of time.

Haha. Actually, yun lang naman sasabihin ko. Ang ewan ko noh? Haha.

Sorry for wasting your time. (Though I really don't know if anyone is reading this. Haha.)

Kanta tayooooo...

Before anything else....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TITO BOY VISARRA MASAMAYOR! :DDDDDDDD

Yeay! Andaming may birthday.

Now, let's move on to more random/irrelevant matters in my life. Haha.

I want to start a blog series! Not the story kind though, the SONG kind. :]]

Okayy. So for these series of posts, I will be posting songs (around 5, I guess) and highlighting or indenting the parts that have a direct connection to my oh so wonderful life. Haha.

Disclaimer: This is in no particular order, if you know what I mean.

Track no. 1:

First up, this used to be my favorite song by Christian Bautista. Very close people will know exactly why.

Disclaimer: I typed this song myself. No copy-pasta method here.

COLOR EVERYWHERE
Christian Bautista

Used to seeing black and white
Never really in between
Waiting on the love of my life
To come into my dreams

Everything is shades of grey
Never really blues or greens
Needed someone else to turn to
Someone who could help me learn to see

All the beauty that was waiting for me...

CHORUS
You...
You put the blue back in the sky
You put the rainbow in my eyes
A silver lining in prayers and now
There's COLOR everywhere
You put the red back in the rules
Just when I needed it the most
You came along to show you care and now
There's COLOR everywhere

Everywhere...

My life is so predictable
Never any mystery
But ever since you shined the light
All of that was history

Now I have a hand to hold
And a reason to believe
There's someone in my life worth living for
I was hanging around just wishing on a star

To put the happiness back in my heart and..

*CHORUS

Oh yeah...
You care and now there's color everywhere..

Left those hazy days behind me
Never to return again
Now they're just a fading memory
Because baby it's all so clear to see
The beauty that is waiting there for me

*CHORUS

A silver lining in my prayers and now
There's COLOR everywhere.
You came along to show you care and now, there's color everywhere.

Track no. 2:

Now here's the current bgm of this blog. Haha. I know in one of my previous posts, I gave out three different songs. Haha. At ngayon ibang-iba na. I was online one day and in the mood for some soundtripping. Knowing that my internet takes forever to load I just played random songs from the folder my cousin downloaded in the computer. I stumbled across this song and...poof! I don't know what happened to me, but next thing I knew I was asking Isay how to add music to my blog and here it is now. I can't really explain why I loved it. Maybe because it well...it had all the right words, words I was never able to utter, words I still want to say...

OVER YOU
Chris Daughtry

Now that it’s all said and done,
I can’t believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

*CHORUS:

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should’ve started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I’d doubt you,
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I’m slowly getting closure.
I guess it’s really over.
I’m finally getting better.
And now I’m picking up the pieces.
I’m spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

*CHORUS:

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should’ve started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I’d doubt you,
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should’ve started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I’d doubt you,
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I’m slowly getting closure.
I guess it’s really over.
I’m finally getting better.
And now I’m picking up the pieces.
I’m spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Putting my heart back together.
Well I’m Putting my heart back together.
‘Cause I got over you..
Well I got over you..
I got over you.
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through,
I got over you.

Haha. Ano ba 'to. Puro blue. Sorry, I kinda overdid the emphasizing. Like I said, it had all the right words.

Track no. 3:

This isn't a new song that I've discovered. I've known this for a long time. Something about it struck me immediately the first time I heard it. Foreshadowing? Haha.

INCOMPLETE
Backstreet Boys

Empty spaces fill me up with holes
Distant faces with no place left to go
Without you within me I can’t find no rest
Where I’m going is anybody’s guess

*CHORUS

I tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

Voices tell me I should carry on
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone
Baby, my baby
It’s written on your face
You still wonder if we made a big mistake

*CHORUS

I don’t mean to drag it on, but I can’t seem to let you go
I don’t wanna make you face this world alone
I wanna let you go (alone)

*CHORUS

incomplete

Track no. 4:

Now THIS is a new song. Haha. I first saw it on Nickelodeon on Nickbeats. I didn't even have the faintest idea what Dvaid Archuleta looked like at that time. I like the song as well as the video. Very well thought of.

A LITTLE TOO NOT OVER YOU
David Archuleta

It never crossed my mind at all
That’s what i tell myself
What we had has come and gone
You’re better off with someone else
It’s for the best, i know it is
But i see you
Sometimes i try to hide
What i feel inside

And i turn around
You’re with him now
I just can’t figure it out

*CHORUS

Tell me why
You’re so hard to forget
Don’t remind me
I’m not over it
Tell me why
I can’t seem to face the truth
I’m just a little too not over you
(eh eh eh oh eh eh eh)
Not over you
(eh eh eh oh eh eh eh)

Memories
Supposed to fade
What’s wrong with my heart?
Shake it off, let it go
Didn’t think it be this hard
Should be strong
Moving on
But i see you
Sometimes i try to hide
What i feel inside

And i turn around
You’re with him now
I just can’t figure it out

*CHORUS

Maybe i regret
Everything i said
No way to take it all back, yeah
Now i’m on my own
How i let you go
I’ll never understand
I’ll never understand
Yeah, oooh, oooh, oooh
Oooooooh
Oh
Ooooh, oh

*CHORUS

*CHORUS

Track no. 5:

LAST NA! Haha. This is a relatively old song. The first time I heard it was on my way to school during elementary. I even remember the DJ explaining the meaning of the title. Haha. Never thought this beautiful, short-titled song would become a huge part of my life. Right now, I'm listening and absorbing every word of this song...probably for the very last time.

214
Rivermaya

Am I real?
Do the words I speak before you
Make you feel
That the love I have for you
Will see no ending?

Well, if you look into my eyes
Then you should know
That you have nothing here to doubt
Nothing to fear
And you can lay your questions down
‘Cause if you’ll hold me
We can fade into the night
And you’ll know

The world could die
And everything may lie
Still you shouldn’t cry
‘Cause time may pass
But longer than it’ll last
I’ll be by your side

Take my hand
And gently close your eyes
So you could understand
That there’s no greater love tonight
Than what I’ve for you
Well, if you feel the same way for me
Then let go

We can journey to a garden no one knows
Life is short, my darling
Tell me that you love me

So we can fade into the night
And you’ll know
The world could die
And everything may lie
But you won’t cry
‘Cause time may pass
And everything won’t last
But I’ll be by your side
Forever by your side
So you won’t cry

--------------

Yeay! Tapos na. Haha.

I've finally finished this outrageous post. Haha.

PM me for questions? Haha.