One Year

Happy birthday Sir Manuel.
Belated Happy Birthday Ace.

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I am about to begin studying for this week's activities. Although I do not have any upcoming exams marked on the calendar, UP life so far has taught me to always be prepared. However, just like in my previous post, I could not contain the urge to reflect today.

To many people, August 16 could mean nothing special. To others it could signify their birthday, their anniversary, their first baby and others. It is different for each person.

To me, August 16 is a day of troubled emotions, excruciating pain, treacherous illusions, shattered hope, broken memories... I could enumerate every metaphor available in my vocabulary, but to my opinion it would still not suffice for what I experienced on that day. Thankfully, I do not harbor all those emotions in the same magnitude today. But still, it is worth recounting how that day turned out, and worth contemplating on how I have been since that day.

Mind you, I still remember what happened that day.

I was to attend a seminar sponsored by the Rotary Club of Manila. As usual, I came to school earlier than expected. My world was a blur that week. Most times I hardly knew what I was doing. That was one of those moments. I reached for the cellphone inside my pocket and texted, pleading for a conversation.

The conversation progressed, and somehow I foolishly imagined light at the far end of it. My classmates who happened to browse through my inbox thought so too.

Attending the seminar was almost a waste of time on my part. Honestly, I tried concentrating on the speaker, but my mind just would not stay put. It fled to my textmate, my problems, my worries and fears. I continued engaging in an SMS conversation. I was a fairly frequent, not to mention fast, text messenger at that time, so every time there was a reply, another message would follow.

However, at one point, my thumb found it hard to encode the next lines.

When I consulted my mind, it had no idea what to say either.

I asked my heart, but I could not understand it. It seems it was too busy crying.

Flashed on my phone's LCD was a message I never imagined to receive from the messenger. They were a mere four words (Well, in text vocabulary of course), but they destroyed a multitude of arguments that I held on to for so long. It is astonishing how a few words could be so powerful.

Painful as it was, I continued the conversation. I learned a few more details that made things even harder to bear.

Somewhere along the way the seminar ended. Well, it actually ended for lunch break, but we left anyway. When I joined my schoolmates, I could not help but reach for an embrace and just let the teardrops fall. I am no crybaby. I hardly cry at all. I only cry for the most heartbreaking moments, moments when the human mind no longer has the ability to alleviate the suffering. Well, obviously, this was one of those moments.

Naturally, they were all shocked as I relayed what had happened. I could still remember how I cried in the comfort room, while they were all trying to comfort me with their words, saying I deserved more than that. They kept on comforting me as we rode back to Taft Avenue from Makati. It is funny, the four words contained in that text message created a whirlpool of devastation, and yet the kind and comforting paragraphs of my companions hardly made me smile.

But to this day, I thank the persons who were with me on that day, for catching me when I received the first blow, for wiping my tears when they first dropped. In the event I was alone in those moments, I know things would not have been the same.

We went to KFC. Seeing my depression, Oliver offered to buy me something. I appreciated all of them for being so kind to me. They knew what I knew, that I should just forget about it all, that I would get along just fine, but still they empathized with me, sensing the pain I was going through.

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That was not the end of the day. I know for certain what else happened, but it just does not feel right to reiterate the rest. Now is not the time.

What happened after August 16 was a series of struggle, anger, depression, disbelief, useless hope...

How did I get through?

I guess I should save that part for another post.

Right now, I just want to share some lines from a song... This song seems to echo everything that happened...

James Morrison, Broken Strings

You can't play on broken strings
You can't feel anything
That you're heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you someting that ain't real

Running back through the fire, when there's nothing left to save
It's like chasing the very last train, when we both know it's too late...

Of Forkroads and What Ifs

My blog screams for updates. My worn-out body aches for a detoxification. My pierced soul cries for an outlet. I do not really care whether I become offensively explicit or overly frank here. No one reads this blog anyway.

Funny that I should decide to make an entry on this momentous date. To be honest, I still have a load of work that needs accomplishing, but I could not resist the urge to post something. I could have posted on any other day, yet I want to make this day memorable, make it immortalized as a date that will forever remind me of my past. With fifteen minutes left to spare, I better make it quick.

Various points in our life will show a multitude of uncertainty. Particularly, we are often faced with the never-ending question of "What if?" At one time or another, we will be forced to make choices. It may be as simple as choosing what color to wear, what meal to eat, what book to read and the like. Inevitably, life will be full of decisions.

Look back on one forkroad of your life. What if you chose the other path?

Last year, on this date, roughly 4 four hours ago, I was met with an indefinite statement. Well, it started indefinitely at least. It began with an uncertain feeling that developed into conviction. That was the day that every single entity that I had known for so long shattered into pieces and resolved itself in the realm of oblivion; that was the day I felt my heart squeeze itself, as if wanted to dissolve into nothingness as well; that day, I was told of the Tale of Two Birds.

At that specific moment, I realized I was never sure of anything at all, and yet I refused to believe it. I wanted to believe that amidst all the uncertainty in the world, I could hold on to that one fact that I believed would forevermore keep me alive. But that night, my certainty began to shake; eventually it fell, and when it did, it pulled down everything else in my life.

I am very well aware of what that uncertainty led to, but I was just wondering, what if events did not transpire as they did? What if a different choice was made? Would I have been any happier? Would I still be here where I am? Would I still be sure of that one entity? This si the trouble with "what ifs" - you will never be able to know the answer.

Well, at least there's one thing I am certain of. If that moment did not occur, or if life had gone the other way, I would not be typing this insanely emotional and disgusting post.

I am glad God still loves me. (Oh, that's another certainty)

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Happy Birthday Sharky,