NOTHING IS FAIR

You (whoever is still reading) will notice that I seldom post entries. It must be the sched. It must be the exams. Then again it may also be the laziness. :))

But here I am anyway. It must be the sched. It must be the free time. Then again it may also be this incessant urge to remember, to commemorate.

What is there to remember? Check the date.

Don't know what I'm talking about? Well, that doesn't matter. It's not worth knowing anymore. In the first place, it doesn't exist. It's only worth remembering on my part. I'm like a little kid, reading an old book, reliving the days when Dodos were still alive. Yes, a mere discovery of what is extinct.

This post is similar to two of my previous posts, both expressing a desire to release emotions.

Today, I am supposed to be happy. Three years is no laughing matter. Three may still be a single digit, but that equates to 36 months of being together with one person. In this age of short attention spans and fickle emotions, that time is a doozy -- well, a doozy of happiness, that is.

You would think I would be celebrating right now. You would think I would be downright happy.
Sad to say, I'm not. I am at the far end of the spectrum.

The thing about those three years is that they are meaningless now. Sure, today may have been one of the best days of my life, and maybe for another person's. But that was the stupid past. Today is another story.

Anyway, today meant something else to me. It was no ordinary Tuesday. I have no idea why I feel a need to commemorate an obviously stupid date, but I do.

I saved the date on my phone's calendar.
I took time to decide on what to wear for today. Something that would signify the meaning of today. (I opted for my black Sci Camp 06 shirt, go figure)
Whenever I would write the date in my notebook, I would affix this: :c

Funny thing is, it seems the rest of the world was commemorating.

I thought about the date all day, and this is what happened in Soc Sci:

Prof: Kayo mga girls, kung yung friend niyo, parang kapatid niyo na, may boyfriend, tapos yung boyfriend may gusto sayo, tapos ikaw medyo bumibigay ka rin, itutuloy mo ba?
Me: Hindi po, masakit po yun pag ikaw yung girlfriend.
Prof: All is fair in love. Di pa naman kasal eh.

:((

Yan ang highlight of the day.

Nothing happened today anyway. Ordinary day if I say so myself. But to me the whole world was different, just because the number on the calendar read 10-13-09.

I don't want to say anything else. Happy birthdya na lang.

Oh, and here's my stat message in ym:

"3 years since my forever. 14 months ago it was over.
Tell me, how do you celebrate love with a broken heart?"

NEW SONG

Posted a new BGM. I really like this song and the story attache dto it. It's from the Koreanovela Spring Waltz. I admit that I am no fan of Asianovelas, but this one is just too beautiful to ignore. I remember seeing it on T.V. when I had nothing to do, can't remember when though. The trouble is, I lost time to follow it religiously. Then, while waiting for Mythbusters to start, I stumbled upon Studio23 and to my surprise, they were showing it, right at the part that I last saw.

Disclaimer: The owner of this blog has no connection with any part of the production of the song nor the Koreanovela mentioned.

Amazing, huh? Anyway, I still was not able to follow it the way a fangirl should. Haha. I only got to watch it during Wednesdays (days-off) and Saturdays (when my mind is focused on Mythbusters). But I wa sstill able to catch up on the story and feel those "kilig moments." One thing I do regret is that I was never able to see the ending, which according to many sites, was very touching. Too bad nobody's updated wiki on the ending. :)

So, here's the song, enjoy. :)

One Love – Acel Bisa

Higher than the sky above you
Clearer than blue
Brighter than the rays of sunshine
Warmer than what you feel
More than all the wonders you see
It’s the most wonderful thing

Brighter than the living colors of flowers you see
Sweeter than the touch of water
Flowing from the mountain spring
More than all the wonders you see
It’s the most wonderful thing

One love…
I love you so
Love is the beautiful one
I love you so
Love is the beautiful one
All we need is love
Real love

Marvel at the sight of greenfields
Amazingly seen
Watch the colors of the rainbow
It’s a miracle you see
More than all the wonders can be
But there’s more than that

One Love…
I love you so
Love is the beautiful one

Greater than what you can feel
More than what you ever dreamed
This is better than your everything
One love…

I love you so
Love is the beautiful one

All we need is love
One love

Bad Monday

I'm in for a hellish week and I've been through a stupid day, so I might as well be kind to myself for at least thirty minutes and release all the negative energy through this blog.

I had such a devastating (okay I'm exaggerating) day. Aside from the fact that I got up on the wrong side of the bed, I also had to endure an hour standing on the bus this morning. I was freaking exhausted and terribly wanted some shut-eye but I just couldn't get it.

By the time I was in school, I started entering into one of my bad moods. I don't know why I'm getting terribly moody these days. I don't know if it's the weather, the exhaustion, or the tremendous Masci memories I encounter. I have been missing Masci badly recently. I know it's ironic since five of my batchmates are Mascians, but somehow I miss Masci itself.

The whole idea of being a Mascian has always been a part of my life, and although the school is just across the street, I feel like I've been detached from it. I miss lining up before the morning assembly.I miss frantically studying in line. I miss seeing Mang Danny sweep some leaves. I miss Kuya Felix asking where Balasubas is. I miss buying load from Ate Canteen. I miss waiting in line for Kuya Xerox. I miss Carbonara moments. I miss writing excuse letters and having teachers sign them. I miss organizing school activities and watching your plans come to life. I miss our Pangkatang Gawain. I miss reading El Fili. I miss palitaw! I miss going to places because of activities. I miss being an Out of School Youth. I miss Parlia moments. I miss stressful days in the media room. I miss setting up the multimedia room. I miss announcing on stage. I miss talking to teachers. I used to be criticized for being so chummy to teachers. I wouldn't be surprised if others thought I was being the teacher's pet or something. Honestly, being friends with teachers has nothing to do with my aspiration to do my best. I don't know why, but I always have a certain affinity to people older than I am. I like talking to them about their jobs. I've always tried being friends with teachers, janitors, security guards, anyone who I encounter everyday. I just feel like I could always get a piece of wisdom from them, and I always do. It must also be because I never really had a lot of friends my age when I was little. Mommy and Dad always took me to their social functions, parties and gatherings. The kind of interaction I got exposed to was with the colleagues of my parents.

Moving on, I've been missing Masci terribly as you can see. Yes, I know I don't really have the right to complain since I practically see Mascians everyday. I just realized that Masci truly has been a huge part of my life. The last time school affected me this much was when I was under Mr. Dizon, my favorite teacher of all time.

Anyway, enough of the trip to memory lane. Let's go back to my stupid day.

I went to the library and did my N1 notes. I figured a cool environment would calm me down. I was there for 3 hours. After my library trip, I tried contacting Block26 about the Kanlungan script. It turns out they already submitted it. Unluckily though, I didn't know. Haha. I also happened to come across Ma'am Villarta. While waiting for a reply, I decided to eat my lunch. I bought my favorite viand - chicken barbecue. I figured since I was having a bad day I might as well compensate by eating. Since I was alone, I chose a table at the CN Tambayan and prepared to enjoy my meal. As I was about to start eating, one of the many cats of UP-Manila came up to me and started meowing at me like crazy. From what I've gathered, she was asking, no, threatening me for the my food. I thought I could just shoo the cat away, but it kept on pestering me like it was my inherent duty to feed it. I tried switching tables, but it kept on following me. It started looking creepy too. Its eyes were only slits and it looked like it was going to attack me. It didn't help that I have always had this dislike for cats. I probably looked stupid there talking to a cat in a freaked-out tone. I finally gave up anyway and just left my lunch on the table. Needless to say, the cat feasted on my Php60.00 lunch. Pfft. It's like my allowance is for feeding cats. Puh-lease. Di ako pinalaki ng nanay ko para magpakain ng pusa.

I was so irritated, both at myself and at the cat. I hate myself for allowing myself to be harassed by a cat, but I hate the cat all the more for being so greedy as to threaten me for my food. Curses.

Because of that experience, I swear I'll never eat in the CN Tambayan ever again. I also declare my new found hatred-slash-phobia for felines. Back then, my disliking of cats was nothing more than pointing out their bad sides. The dislike was only limited to me preferring dogs over cats. Now, it's different. Garfield and all his friends are now my enemies.

To make myself feel better, I had Claude accompany me to submit our Kanlungan script.

Since I had to eat, I went to Rob with Block26. I so wanted to try the new meal at Jollibee, but since I lost 60pesos, I had to settle for the Double Delight Pizza from Pizza Hut. Thank God Cheese&Bacon was available.

It's also good to know the cat didn't snatch my bottled water.

And so, the rest of my afternoon was pretty dismal for me. I did minimal socialization. A lot of people could tell that my aura was different today. I let DJ go home earlier. I really didn't want to send her away like that. It's just that I was having such a bad day. I guess it wouldn't have helped if I came along with her, else she would be the poor victim of my negative vibes.

Upon arriving at Lawton, I decided to compensate for my bad day with my favorite Belgian Chocolate waffles, but then another irritating encounter - the lady directly before me ordered 2 boxes of waffles. The order took so long that by the time I was ready to board a bus, the line was relatively long.

There. Now I'm off to face the remnants of my terrible day. Wish me luck. I hope things don't get any worse.

Bandwagon

Whoaaaaahh. This is me, posting an entry? Oh c'mon. This cannot be happening. Haha.

Actually, I was just inspired by the fellow bloggers Joyce and Isay. They all had posts today. Call me a gaya-gaya and all, I don't mind. XD

I also checked out my previous blog (a.k.a. vaindolphin.blogspot.com) yesterday. I was quite the blogger before. Haha. However I do not intend this post to be long. I just want to make an update. So maybe I am a gaya-gaya. Haha. Whatever.

Don't get me wrong though. My posting does not reflect upon my free time. I am not even sure if such a thing as free time exists. Haha. I have a departmental exam to worry about and that alone is giving me the creeps.

Blogs are always about what happened, what you experienced, etc. Today I am going to write about what I will be doing for the rest of the night. It helps when your work is properly organized so here goes:

- NSTP learning journal
- Ask Sir Laufred if we would still have our long test on Friday
-Work on NSTP scripts
-Re-read outlining for Comm
-MATH.

That's about it I guess.

Now let me tell you about some eccentric (well, at least to myself) wishes I have been having lately. I may not be able to remember them all, but I don't really care :))

-Meet the Mythbusters
I thought my obsession would subside when school begins, but no. This is an obsession that suddenly makes me want to be home all the time just so I could watch the show. Lately I've been sharing this tremendous passion with fellow Mythbyusters fans. Also, my obsession for Grant Imahara also has not subsided either. I still consider him as one good example of the kind of guy I would want to marry. Haha. He just has almost everything I have always been looking for - the brains, the skills, the charisma, and not to mention the looks. Haha. I am not really a sucker for the most good-looking guys in the world. Somehow I find some people cute and others think I am crazy. I have no idea why I have such notions about what is handsome and what is not, but whatever that is, Grant is just my perfect mixture. Haha. I even fantasize about actually being with them, being on the show. It's a wild, wild dream, and I don not care at all. :))

Hayy. I said I would make a list, but laziness has overcome me once again. It seems the adrenaline rush from talking about Mythbusters used up all of my typing energy. If only I could just drone about them. Haha. Anyway, I need to get cracking anyway. :D

Maybe some other time. :)

One Year

Happy birthday Sir Manuel.
Belated Happy Birthday Ace.

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I am about to begin studying for this week's activities. Although I do not have any upcoming exams marked on the calendar, UP life so far has taught me to always be prepared. However, just like in my previous post, I could not contain the urge to reflect today.

To many people, August 16 could mean nothing special. To others it could signify their birthday, their anniversary, their first baby and others. It is different for each person.

To me, August 16 is a day of troubled emotions, excruciating pain, treacherous illusions, shattered hope, broken memories... I could enumerate every metaphor available in my vocabulary, but to my opinion it would still not suffice for what I experienced on that day. Thankfully, I do not harbor all those emotions in the same magnitude today. But still, it is worth recounting how that day turned out, and worth contemplating on how I have been since that day.

Mind you, I still remember what happened that day.

I was to attend a seminar sponsored by the Rotary Club of Manila. As usual, I came to school earlier than expected. My world was a blur that week. Most times I hardly knew what I was doing. That was one of those moments. I reached for the cellphone inside my pocket and texted, pleading for a conversation.

The conversation progressed, and somehow I foolishly imagined light at the far end of it. My classmates who happened to browse through my inbox thought so too.

Attending the seminar was almost a waste of time on my part. Honestly, I tried concentrating on the speaker, but my mind just would not stay put. It fled to my textmate, my problems, my worries and fears. I continued engaging in an SMS conversation. I was a fairly frequent, not to mention fast, text messenger at that time, so every time there was a reply, another message would follow.

However, at one point, my thumb found it hard to encode the next lines.

When I consulted my mind, it had no idea what to say either.

I asked my heart, but I could not understand it. It seems it was too busy crying.

Flashed on my phone's LCD was a message I never imagined to receive from the messenger. They were a mere four words (Well, in text vocabulary of course), but they destroyed a multitude of arguments that I held on to for so long. It is astonishing how a few words could be so powerful.

Painful as it was, I continued the conversation. I learned a few more details that made things even harder to bear.

Somewhere along the way the seminar ended. Well, it actually ended for lunch break, but we left anyway. When I joined my schoolmates, I could not help but reach for an embrace and just let the teardrops fall. I am no crybaby. I hardly cry at all. I only cry for the most heartbreaking moments, moments when the human mind no longer has the ability to alleviate the suffering. Well, obviously, this was one of those moments.

Naturally, they were all shocked as I relayed what had happened. I could still remember how I cried in the comfort room, while they were all trying to comfort me with their words, saying I deserved more than that. They kept on comforting me as we rode back to Taft Avenue from Makati. It is funny, the four words contained in that text message created a whirlpool of devastation, and yet the kind and comforting paragraphs of my companions hardly made me smile.

But to this day, I thank the persons who were with me on that day, for catching me when I received the first blow, for wiping my tears when they first dropped. In the event I was alone in those moments, I know things would not have been the same.

We went to KFC. Seeing my depression, Oliver offered to buy me something. I appreciated all of them for being so kind to me. They knew what I knew, that I should just forget about it all, that I would get along just fine, but still they empathized with me, sensing the pain I was going through.

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That was not the end of the day. I know for certain what else happened, but it just does not feel right to reiterate the rest. Now is not the time.

What happened after August 16 was a series of struggle, anger, depression, disbelief, useless hope...

How did I get through?

I guess I should save that part for another post.

Right now, I just want to share some lines from a song... This song seems to echo everything that happened...

James Morrison, Broken Strings

You can't play on broken strings
You can't feel anything
That you're heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you someting that ain't real

Running back through the fire, when there's nothing left to save
It's like chasing the very last train, when we both know it's too late...

Of Forkroads and What Ifs

My blog screams for updates. My worn-out body aches for a detoxification. My pierced soul cries for an outlet. I do not really care whether I become offensively explicit or overly frank here. No one reads this blog anyway.

Funny that I should decide to make an entry on this momentous date. To be honest, I still have a load of work that needs accomplishing, but I could not resist the urge to post something. I could have posted on any other day, yet I want to make this day memorable, make it immortalized as a date that will forever remind me of my past. With fifteen minutes left to spare, I better make it quick.

Various points in our life will show a multitude of uncertainty. Particularly, we are often faced with the never-ending question of "What if?" At one time or another, we will be forced to make choices. It may be as simple as choosing what color to wear, what meal to eat, what book to read and the like. Inevitably, life will be full of decisions.

Look back on one forkroad of your life. What if you chose the other path?

Last year, on this date, roughly 4 four hours ago, I was met with an indefinite statement. Well, it started indefinitely at least. It began with an uncertain feeling that developed into conviction. That was the day that every single entity that I had known for so long shattered into pieces and resolved itself in the realm of oblivion; that was the day I felt my heart squeeze itself, as if wanted to dissolve into nothingness as well; that day, I was told of the Tale of Two Birds.

At that specific moment, I realized I was never sure of anything at all, and yet I refused to believe it. I wanted to believe that amidst all the uncertainty in the world, I could hold on to that one fact that I believed would forevermore keep me alive. But that night, my certainty began to shake; eventually it fell, and when it did, it pulled down everything else in my life.

I am very well aware of what that uncertainty led to, but I was just wondering, what if events did not transpire as they did? What if a different choice was made? Would I have been any happier? Would I still be here where I am? Would I still be sure of that one entity? This si the trouble with "what ifs" - you will never be able to know the answer.

Well, at least there's one thing I am certain of. If that moment did not occur, or if life had gone the other way, I would not be typing this insanely emotional and disgusting post.

I am glad God still loves me. (Oh, that's another certainty)

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Happy Birthday Sharky,

Hurray for College!

Ta-daaaaaa! I have returned after not posting anything for so long. Haha.

So, COLLEGE NA AKO. Yeay. Haha. It is still a little hard to believe since I still feel like I'm a little lost and disoriented kid. Haha. Obviously, it would take a lot of time and painstaking to remember everything that happened from the first day. So I'll be generalizing. Haha.

Ano susuotin ko?
This is normally the first big question I ask myself everyday. Haha. OA much? I don't know. I used to be only grade conscious and hair-conscious. Ever since I stopped wearing uniforms, I'm getting dress-conscious as well. I know people won't really notice what I wear everyday. Anyhow, I like to look good still.

My blockmates have decided to impose a "color of the day" thing. This is gonna help me a lot. :)

FX facts
Just like last year, I h still hitch a ride on Kuya Jobert's FX on the way to school. The trouble is, I have to get off at Pedro Gil now. I can't simply walk from Kalaw to Pedro Gil anymore (although that would be splendid exercise :D ). So my mom talked to Kuya Jobert. Now, he re-routes his FX just to get me right in front of UP-CN, for a little added fare, though.

7-eleven Series
Since I get to Manila one hour before my classes actually starts, I stay at 7-eleven across the street. I use the one hour to comb my hair, powder my face, read a bit, and buy a bottle of water just so I don't have to look like I did something for the store. Haha. This is also where I meet up with my friends before class. Before, it was just me, Bez (Mark), Dencio (DJ) and Tatay (Vincent), but recently, Ace and Kevin have been there too. Yeay. Happy life. May the guard never hate us or send us out. ;))

Attention Span Alert
In HIgh School, I only need to endure a subject for one hour. In college, it's a big challenge for me to wake myself up and start listening again. I've read that the human attention span can only last around twenty minutes, so I have to keep on renewing that once I realize my mind is drifting off. My shortest class is one and a half hour. Oh well. Just needs a little getting used to I guess.

Saan ako kakain?
I could have stuck to bringing lunch, but no. My mom thinks I should start buying food now and somehow learn to budget the allowance. I realize with restaurants scattered around UP plus the heft treasure still in Rob-Manila, that task is kinda hard. I have to consider myself lucky that our breaks are relatively long. :)

Part one muna yan. Tinatamad na ako eh. Haha. And I have a quiz in N1 tomorrow. I also have to start reading that Algebra Module. :)