Nothing at all

I hate to make another blog post trying to redeem myself for not posting for so long, another entry filled with sentiments of toxicity and excuses for not having the time, energy or motivation to write - none of these things for now. The task is not to write an entry for the world to ponder on, but to record a reflection for the blogger to contemplate.

I've long ago established that I express myself well in writing. I may have abandoned this so-understood asset, but apparently these kind of ideas never change. I've said many times that I write especially under the influence of strong emotion. Maybe this is one of those moments when merely staring at the ceiling is not enough, not even a good conversation with a friend would suffice. It's time to write it down.

I've spent the past three hours retracing my childhood. Back then I was the "it" girl. I was, in my opinion, the most amazing child to walk the earth. I believed I could sing, dance, act, declaim and all the other options a child is asked to perform when young. I believed I was cute, pretty and that I had a chance to be Ms. Universe. Blame it on my wonderful parents, but like it or not I came to believe that I was amazing, thus giving me a concoction of ego and self-esteem.

To say whether that was a good or bad notion is out of the question. On one hand I did have a lot of air in my head. I was the worst self-righteous brat on the street. In another light, however, that same feeling of achievement and appreciation gave me a lot of self-esteem. Throughout my grade school years I believed I could do anything, that I could rule the world and be whoever I wanted to be.

And then I grew up.

This time, I more or less know how to gauge the truth of things. Apparently, I'm not the prettiest girl you would see. Boys don't turn their heads in my direction, nor do boyfriends give me the double-take while holding hands with their girlfriends. Not that I want that image, but my point is that I'm not necessarily gifted with good looks.

Lacking still is my talent. I used to think I was the best drawer, singer and dancer on the planet. My artistic skills, in truth and in essence, have remained dormant all these years, ceasing to develop at the point where I left off. People don't give me standing ovations for my song numbers, nor does anyone comment that my voice is even worth a shower song. And dancing? Most people in the world would rather not use "dancing" and my name in the same sentence. I think they'd call it disturbing.

Realizing these things wasn't so bad. I got to know myself more. And besides, at that time, though I never admitted it, I actually enjoyed being on the honor roll. I did everything in my power to be the best, to be on top. No exam, quiz or project was allowed to go by me without that touch of excellence. It is a feather in my cap.

And so it came to be that I was more famous for the grades I got from school. Sure, I liked that. It gave me attention, motivation, and right now I realized it gave me identity. Here was a girl who thrived on excellence, who settled for nothing but the best and always got it.

Then came college. When striving for the best doesn't always give the best to you, when sacrifice and service doesn't always guarantee fulfillment, and when each day of your life is like a race through time, trying to drag yourself through it all. Needless to say, I'm not the "it" girl anymore. Of course, it isn't really that big a deal, but I figured I really did get disappointed in myself. This is why I'm grade-conscious. To others it may be merely adding records to your transcript, but to my insecure soul it's trying to protect the one thing I've known myself to be. I know that when I lose that, I lose myself.

One way or another, I've learnt to deal with the fact that I'm losing grip of my past identity, but now I have the dilemma of learning who I really am. What fallback do I have? When people ask about me, they usually know me from the honors I've received. Inevitably, every one takes you in high regard, treats you like an idol. Many times I can't help but stop myself from correcting wrong notions.

Without the grades, the medals or the certificates, who am I, really? What can I do? And more importantly, what role can I play in other people's lives? Sure, I may be kind, people may love me as I am, but I can't help but think if a difference would be made if I was out of the picture.

Let me know if you don't care

Nothing more, nothing less

Like leaves off an autumn tree

Obliterating the rest

Hold on to dear past, let go no more

Reverse your path, think again

Gamble a gamble that was never played

Shall I play again? Or should you say?

Gamble as it may, game it is not

Games invest laughter

Gamble invests the heart

Tread not on the path others wish to take

Walk the road that young knights once went

Or at least one road I hoped you'd take

Many wrongs and sorrows I've seen before

Add one and break my heart once more

Many aches, many downs, many more to come

Not one ounce I wish, not an ounce more

Tis it too late to be wrong once more? 

Guilt is Irrelevant - Gregory House, MD

The title is from Season 3, Episode 20 ("House Training") of my personal addiction, House MD. For those who are not familiar with the series, it's basically about an obnoxious, egoistic but amazing genius medical doctor who specializes in diagnostic medicine - basically figuring out what other doctors can't.

I watched this episode upon returning home, basically anticipating to finish the third season pretty soon. I chose to blog about this certain episode because it especially struck me. In this episode, a woman with aboulia (inability to decide) was misdiagnosed to have either an autoimmune disease or cancer - either disease involved the body attacking itself, thus requiring that the immune system be suppressed, first through steroids and then through whole body chemotherapy. Unfortunately, the treatments caused her to become septic, indicating that it wasn't autoimmune nor was it cancer. It was simply an infection, which was later discovered to be due to her bra hook that pierced through the skin and allowed the entry of bacteria. What's worse is that the bacteria was merely Staphylococcus aureus, a relatively manageable and curable disease given that antibiotics can effectively work with the body's immune system. In this case, though, the patient's immune system has been severed, and absolutely nothing can be done to reverse it.

My dream of one day becoming a doctor always involved saving patient's lives, receiving gratitude from their families, helping others, all the beautiful benefits of being in the medical field. Let's face it, one of the common denominators of this world is that we are all susceptible to disease. Every one has a health status, and only the privileged medical professionals are able to address these concerns. Therefore the magnitude of responsibility on the shoulders of these people are beyond cognition.

Medical professionals have so much in their hands that we often forget that they are human as well. But I don't blame anyone for this. After all, if the difference between life and death was greatly dependent on you, there should be no room for mistakes. This was when I realized that after all this madness is over, I would be facing a different world as a doctor. No, it's not about insecurities or low self-esteem, I know I'm bound to make a mistake. Another episode of House MD, Season 1 Episode 21 ("Three Stories"), saw House lecturing a class of medical students. He remarked that inevitably, a doctor can and will screw up, and anyone interested in being a doctor should learn to accept that fact else he shouldn't even be in the field. I'm just so afraid of how I would take that all in.

When the most guilt-trodden member of the team, Foreman, approached House, apparently asking for some form of absolution, House said the line I used as a title. True enough, there was nothing they could do, but House further remarked that they did their job the way they knew how to. How they think of diagnoses and address diseases are what make them better doctors.

I've basically seen a sneak peek of my future. I'm not saying I'm ready, but I hope I will be. Of course I wouldn't intentionally do that to a patient, but I feel that, when I'm in that position, a dying patient is almost tantamount to an evidence of murder.

On Inspiration and Writing

So maybe zombies do exist. I am here, right?

Well, aside from the fact that stress has basically consumed the life out of me, my most recent post will tell you I haven't had much time for writing. True, I had been piled up with requirements from all directions, and I still thank God that He got me through that. However, admittedly, I also devoted my time to Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Formspring and whathaveyous. My passion for writing has unfortunately dwindled as I have come to write only for back-breaking requirements or have satisfied myself with typing short and oftentimes misspelled comments on social networks. No wonder I feel like a failure.

This just isn't me. It's funny. I remember the time when I only had my diary to rely on. It was plain, old-fashioned cursive handwriting with all the drawings to go with it. I even had the notion that Friendster was evil back then (Haha!). I caved in when I finally got myself an email, a Friendster account and a Yahoo! Messenger account. It was in my sophomore year of High School when Blogger got to me as well, but even that had to go through several changes (read: password forgetting) before I got to this present account. Now I've been to more sites than I can remember.

Wow. Things change.

I've changed.

Now, I enjoy going to malls, watching movies, and whatever social satisfaction there is today. All of these were taboo about 10 years ago. I had sworn myself to dorkhood and I actually enjoyed it. Not to spit on my current interests, though. I actually like the fact that I have grown to expand my horizons.

But there was a price all along. And I've only recently noticed how deep into debt I am.

I was very sheltered. Though that pretty much is boring, the good thing about that was my talents have been cultivated through that. I have a dozen of things to talk about, but let me just focus on one for now - Writing.

I've loved to write since forever. I have a collection of notebooks that hold my very own poems and often unfinished short stories. I was very much amazed at how I had written all of those. This isn't bragging. That statement stemmed from genuine regret, regret at having forgotten that talent, a talent that I had even shared with my father.

Today, however, while preparing for tomorrow's Panel Discussion, I stumbled upon Patricia Evangelista's website. I was initially only looking for a manuscript of her speech, "Blonde and Blue Eyes" but eventually I found myself in an ocean of her written works. It's not surprising since she's a public figure and a columnist to boot, but I couldn't help but think that I could do the same. I'm no celebrity but writing has always been my best avenue for releasing so many emotions. I dare say it's therapeutic for me.

I know it's kind of too late to even think of writing regularly as summer is coming to a close, but hey, this post is worth a shot. Hopefully, this newfound zeal of mine can sustain me in redefining myself as a writer. I need not be famous, I just want to be able to write. All those years not writing equal a lot of catching up to do. Again, I'm not promising a regular writing habit, but the least I can promise is that I would view writing more than just a faculty that I can depend on. Obviously, that part of me has degenerated, and I have to fix that.

Crap

I haven't posted anything on this website for ages now. I haven't updated my life through this journal for as long as I can remember. But honestly I don't care. In the days when I loved cartoons and happy meals, I would have considered blogging (or back then, diary-writing) a very big deal. I would have been absolutely devastated knowing I haven't written for so long. Or maybe I am devastated, why else would I be posting? Or maybe I'm just overcome by stress. Maybe I just need a break. Then again maybe I'm losing my mind. But why would I lose my mind? Well, do I need a reason to lose my mind? Can't I just lose it? You can lose your car keys for no reason, why would the mind be any different?

Okay. I'm sure you sense by now that I'm not really fine.

Naturally, you'd be asking a reason. But like I said, do I always need a reason? Why can't I just go on with life being reasonless? Can't I just wake up one day and do things I don't have to give a reason for?

Stop. I'm sounding crazy again.

Back to reality. Yes, I am definitely not okay at the moment. It's not really because I have no reason, more so because I don't know which reason I should blame. A lot of things are bothering me right now. I'm not in the mood to enumerate them all. It's something I don't share often, and originally I would have opted not to talk about it at all, much less post it on my public journal. But the feelings are too strong at the moment, feelings I've been harboring for a long, long time but never really had the courage to share. Feelings I still believe to be ridiculed by most people. Well, I don't really care right now. Nobody reads this blog. And I want it all out. I will use no code names or aliases. This is the real deal. This is the real me.

The Date That Never Was

In celebration of Single Appreciation Day (originally Valentines' day), and in tune with my much-awaited DepEx detox, I present to you this short story that I have long been contemplating on. I hope that it reaches your heart and inspires you in line with the "festivities."

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Midnight. Living Room. I was browsing the channels on our TV, bored and not knowing what to do, even if I was pretty sure I was supposed to be asleep. In a few minutes I ascended the stairs and prepared to sleep. Just as I finished my prayers and unfolded my blankets, a text flashed on my phone's LCD: 1 New Message.

"Hi! Gising ka pa? Di mo naman kailangan magreply. Gusto ko lang remind yung bukas. Uhm, 10.30 ah, sa Jollibee Kalaw, ako na bahala from there. Haha. Sige, tulog mahimbing, See you. :)"

I was supposed to reply, "Di ka naman excited?" but what the hey.

*************************************************************

"Ate, Shishing na." (Gising na)

Had the above statement been replaced by the sound of an alarm or the trigger of my reticular activating system, surely I would not have gotten up. But it was hard to ignore such a cute wake-up call. It was my little cousin, Baby Dana. At two, she has an incredible ability to converse fluently beyond her years. She's been quite a chatterbox now, never lasting 30 minutes not talking. She just has to say something, even if it means asking where she is.

Anyway, it was my cousin who woke me from my slumber. I reached for my phone and discovered it was 7AM. I would have opted to get back to sleep, but my aunt remarked, "O, ligo na 'te. Ma-late ka pa."

Oo nga pala. I nearly forgot. I went to the closet and hastily chose my wardrobe. My other cousin,two months older than I am, came in and helped me out. We pulled out a skirt I wore last New Year. Realizing red would be the color of the day, we chose my black blouse. Black also lost me excess weight. :D

With bath, dress-up and powder out of the way, I descended to take my breakfast. To my delight, it was my favorite, broccoli omolette. As more of my family came for breakfast, I heard the expected teases.

"Naku, may date yan ngayon."

"Wala. It's not a date."

I quickly loaded my shoulder bag with my necessities, almost forgetting to bring my comb. My aunt stopped me on the way out. She pulled out her special perfume that she uses for special occasions. She sprayed it all over my body. My cousin arrived and declared her intent on fixing my hair. Ate Melissa is a maestro at things like these so I trusted my crowning glory to her.

I bade everyone goodbye and stepped out of our gate. I checked my watch and discovered it was 9:00 AM. I hailed a tricycle upon exiting our subdivision. When I got in, I looked directly at my reflection in the tricycle. My cousin did a good job. I had slight curls that masked my unmanageable hair and a cute clip somewhere on the side.

In no time, I was at the highway waiting for a bus. When I got on the bus. I quickly took the farthest seat at the back near the window, my favorite spot. It wasn't so crowded in the bus today, maybe because it was a Sunday. But still, I expected a lot more to be traveling. After all, it's Valentines' Day.

As soon as I paid my fare, I leaned my forehead on the window, staring at the traffic and metropolis scene on the other side. My mind began wandering, particularly on the reason I was even going to Manila today, on a Sunday, and more so, on Hearts' Day. How did it go again?

We started talking thru text. It's been a long time since I had a text mate. Before I knew it, he had met my entire family from various occasions. Next, I was surprised to get down to breakfast one morning to see him smiling in the living room. What surprised me all the more is that my family was OK with it. Apparently, he had contacted them and asked for permission. Knowing my family, that was quite an achievement.

On that visit, he asked permission to take me out today. And there I was. On the bus, on the way to meet him.

I had no idea at all what to feel. It never started like anything special, or at least I did not take it that way. I did not even notice the subtle hints he left along the way, if any. Somehow the usual kilig feelings weren't there either. I was lost in a kaleidoscope. No idea where I would go. No idea what I was doing.

Bus trips are fortunately or unfortunately quick on Sundays. At least I didn't need to wait long, but then I had to find a way to kill time. For some reason, all my past dates/pseudodates saw me always waiting for the guy. I have a tendency to become extremely early, so I always take the burden of waiting.It was still 10AM. 30 minutes to kill.

When I stepped into the fast food, I scanned the area for the least populated area and chose a seat near the window. I stared outside, expecting to see him walking towards the entrance. This was when a soft touch alarmed me from behind.

"Uy, di mo ako nakita?"

I was shocked to see him right behind me. "Andito ka na?"

"Uhmm, mga 20 minutes ago pa lang. Eto naman. Di ko nga napansin eh. Haha."

"Aga mo naman.Haha. Ano, order na tayo?"

He looked puzzled. "Hm? Hindi kaya tayo rito."

Why would he want to meet here if we weren't eating here? "Eh saan tayo maglu-lunch?" Di ba niya ako papakainin?

"Meeting place lang kasi tayo rito. Dun tayo sa may Rizal Park. Haha. Ayaw ko lang naman na maghintay ka lang sa labas, delikado na."

Na-touch at na-weirduhan ako at the same time. Haha. I followed nevertheless. As we walked, I noticed a paper bag with him but hesitated asking him what was in. I let my curiosity run wild.

We chose a spot near Lapu-Lapu. Haha. I just watched him as he unfolded a blanket, brought out tupperwares and tumblers. Picnic? An internal audience in me just had to say "Awwww."

"Oh, upo ka na." He smiled. I followed, "Grabe naman paghahanda mo. Di ko ineexpect."

"Haha. Ayoko kasi binibili lang lahat."

"Niluto mo to lahat?"

"Oo, tapos tinulungan ako ni Mama. Sabi ko kasi special day ngayon."

Skeptical, I asked, "Eh di marami na kayong napagluto ng Mama mo."

"Hindi rin. Sa pamilya siguro. Pero for my dates, this is the first time."

"Weh? Bola yan eh."

"Hindi nga. Dati kasi, like you expected, I just take my dates to restaurants and fast foods. Kita kami, order, bayad, usap. Minsan sine. Ganun lang."

"So bakit iba ngayon?"

"Ewan ko. I just feel like those things won't be enough anymore."

Ayun na naman ang internal audience.

I would have loved to narrate the conversation we had word per word. I'm usually good at memorizing conversations. But at the moment, words and memory fail me. It's either I spent too much time laughing or too much time listening. All I know was that I had a great time. He was a superb cook. His adobo, rice and mango float - all my favorites- were so delicious.

It was 12:30 PM when we finished our meal. I helped him pack up and and was prepared to leave. Ang bilis lang pala.

"Uy, thank you ngayon. Ang saya," I said, preparing to leave.

"Your welcome," was all he said, smiling. I noticed how perfect his teeth were.

"Sige, alis na ako."

"Bakit? Uwi ka na?"

"Oo, diba tapos na?"

He laughed and passed his arm around my shoulder. "Excited kang umuwi ah. May pupuntahan pa tayo.Tara. "

I followed with extreme curiosity. In a few moments. I saw a kalesa complete with a white horse. "Oh my gosh. Ang tagal ko nang di nakakasakay rito," I exclaimed with my hands cupping my face.

He helped me aboard the kalesa and continued explaining how he got Kuya Kalesa to take me out today. In a few moments, he asked me to wear a blindfold.

"Bakit?"

"Basta. Magugustuhan mo ito. Swear."

Sige na nga, I said to myself. I need not worry, anyway. I trusted him, and the dark trip wasn't that long or scary, especially when he said, "Wag ka mag-alala, kung gusto mo makita yung scenery magkakalesa pa tayo pag uwi."

Finally, he helped me remove the blindfold. "Ayan, go."

I was speechless. He took me to a place I hadn;t been to for a long time.

"Museo Pambata?"

"Ayaw mo ba?"

Of course gusto ko. Museo Pambata has been a huge part of my childhood. I was always a frequent here and it was one of my favorite places to visit with my family. I never expected him to take me here, but I was really happy he did. Excitement made me get off the kalesa and head for the entrance.

Again, narrating our trip would have been long and fun, but I find no words to describe how much fun I had. We visited replicas of caves, churches and forests. We explored the solar system. We stepped on gigantic piano keys. We played dentist. We played dress-up as firefighters. We studied different anatomical parts of the body. We went up and down the mini houses and in and out of bahay kubos. I hadn't had so much fun in so long.

After exploring, we got out and played tag on the playground outside and went up and down the slide. He brought me back to my old self, the me as a child, who loved to play around and explore, without a care in the world.

As he promised, we rode the Kalesa back and I was given a chance to admire the scenery. It was already around 5:00PM and I was wondering why my family didn't text. When he noticed my anxiety, he remarked, "Tinext ko na sila. Don't worry." Napangiti na lang ako.

We went back to our picnic spot earlier, where I said, "O, don't tell me may surprise ka pa."

"Last na. Promise. Haha." His brown eyes twinkled. "Pikit ka."

I closed my eyes not knowing what to expect, then I felt him pulling my right hand. Then there was a sensation of a leathery, rough stick. Flowers perhaps? He placed my left hand over the long stick. "Open."

For the fourth time, he surprised me.

"Bakit ito?"

"Ayaw mo ba? Uhm, ikaw kasi naisip ko nung nakita ko yan, diba favorite color mo yan."

He's right.

I was right, he did give me a flower, a rose. It could have been an ordinary red one, but the one he gave me was different. It was a blue rose. A rose I have long waited to receive. It was a gift I inwardly believed to be a sign of something special, something out of the box, since blue roses weren't natural. The thing is, I only told this secret superstition to close friends. Though we were relatively close, I never mentioned this to him, which made me all the more happier. As if involuntarily, I wrapped my arms around him in gratitude and said, "Thank you talaga. You don't know how happy you made me."

He hugged back, caressed my hair and whispered, "Glad you liked it, I love you."

I've heard this before.

But it I never felt this special.This time, in the middle of the park, where other couples were plenty, I felt safe and secure. Some time in that embrace, streetlights might have brightened the twilight, just like in the movies, but I was too happy to notice. I realized how superficial such things were compared to his warm embrace. I thank God I was with him.

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We hailed a bus back to Cavite and I was expecting to wave goodbye, but he followed me on board. I did not mind. I had fun all the way home. We never stopped talking or laughing. Our conversations just went from one topic to another. It was like being lost but still knowing where you're going, trusting that you have someone with you.

He accompanied all the way to my house, where we were welcomed by the tease committee. He had dinner with us, divulging as little of our date as he could. Around 8:00PM, he left.

Before going to bed, around midnight, I sent him a message:

"Hi! Sorry medyo delayed na to. Thank you ngayon. Di ko ineexpect na ganito kasaya yung araw. Salamat sa lunch, sa kalesa ride, sa museo pambata, sa habulan at sa blue rose. Di ko makakalimutan ang araw na ito. Goodnight."

Unlike me, he replied.

"Wala yun. I'm glad you enjoyed. Masarap pakinggan na masaya ka. Sana ganyan ka lagi. Ngiti lagi. Thank you rin at pumayag ka sa araw na ito. Di ko rin to makakalimutan, kahit kailan. At sana, maulit pa ito. Sige. Goodnight din sayo. :D"

*********************************************************************

"Ate, Shishing na."

I opened my eyes to see my cousin. I reached out for my phone, expecting it to be February 15. To my surprise, it was 7AM of Feb 14. How come? Did my calendar stop? Were me settings tampered? What happened?

It was quite long before I realized it was just a dream. But still, it was a dream I would never forget, It was a dream date. A date I shared with a guy whose name I do not know. It's quite funny that I dreamt it on this day. Out of desperation? I'd like to think not.

I believe I dreamt this dream with hope and love in my heart; hope that dreams like this still exist, and guys like him are still alive, out there, waiting, and love for the guy who would one day take me on this date and love me for who I am, unconditionally and selflessly. Ladies and gentlemen, this was the story of the date that never was, and the girl who still believes that one day, it will. Maybe not in the same manner, maybe not on the same day, maybe not in a way anyone would expect. But one day, it will. One day. :)

High School Youth Conference on Adolescence

First of all, I would want to publicly thank Mr. Dominic Paguio, my professor in Human Development, for coming up with this hilarious idea. It's because of him that 75 Freshmen had to come to school wearing their High School uniforms.

My Masci uniform, the royal blue-and-white attire with the matching necktie, has long been stored in my closet. The last time I remember wearing it was April of last year. True, I had quite forgotten how it felt to wear that uniform and may have even outgrown the excitement for it. But this day truly reminded me how much I loved Masci and how much I loved being a high school student (yes, despite the sleepness nights and toxic days).

I felt the need to write a note on the matter because I simply loved this day. This day is certainly one of the best of the entire semester. So in this note, I want to share with you the highlights of today and hope that I can thoroughly relay how happy this day was. Aside from this, I also wanted to conduct a series of mini social experiments. My hypothesis is that people tend to treat you differently when you are in a uniform. I took note of my observations for the entire day.

Masyado ako na-excite sa araw na ito kaya todo rin ang preparation ko. Talagang nag-ayos high school student ako. I even used the bag I used on my first day of First Year High School. I wore my blue headband, blue watch, blue kung blue! My entire image was simply screaming "Nerd!" and "Geek" and "Betty La Fea!"

Ako ang unang freshie na dumating. Pag pasok ko, ramdam kong iba tingin sa akin ng guard. Haha. Tapos narinig ko pa si Kuya Lito na tinatanong yung guuard about me. Akala niya naliligaw ako. So sabi ko naman kaya ako nag-uniform kasi adolescence yung topic namin at kailangan mag-uniform. Ang akala tuloy ng guard nagbagong-anyo na ang uniform ng UP. From Maroon to Blue. :))

Nagsimula nang magdatingan ang aking mga kaklase. Naglabasan na rin ang iba't ibang style at kulay ng mga uniform namin.It was all so amusing. Mukha kaming youth conference ng iba't ibang school o kaya'y youth seminar about adolescence. Bongga, nasa audi pa man din kami. :))

Nagsimula na rin ang lecture sa pagdating ni sir Dom. May pinagawa siya sa aming exercise that required each group to discuss different issues during adolescence. Normal class stuff, except that every time someone stepped up to speak, he or she would be asked, "Anong school?" Parang seminar talaga. :)

Natapos ang lecture kaya todo picture-an naman kami (To camera-possessing people, tags oryt?) We had our class pic as well as several other vanity shots. When it was time for lunch, I suggested we go to Rob. I know Rob doesn't allow High school students to enter until 5:00PM, but I wanted to try if the power of our UP id's would do the trick.

Naturally, the guard did not want to let us in. We explained things and stuff. She even commented that our ID's may just be replicated from Recto or something. I even remember her saying "Sarili niyo lang niloloko niyo." I could hardly contain my laughter.

After lunch, I parted ways with my group and headed for Cerealicious to finish my Comm assignment. After the homework, I began pondering on whether or not I would go to Masci. I originally did intend to visit, but I was having inhibitions since I may be forced to leave or else not be allowed to leave the premises before my last class at 4:00PM. I wandered around Rob for a while and discovered that the saleslady in the department store didn't pester me with "Yes, Ma'am?" "Ano po sa inyo?" I guess this implies something, eh?

I decided to go to Masci rather than stay in Rob. I was wearing a Masci uniform and in effect representing the school itself. Being seen in Rob wandering on a weekday isn't a very good image.

I was afraid to enter school for fear that I may have to leave. But I was blessed that my Kuya guards welcomed me anyway and told me it was alright for me to visit around. Yeay.

I consumed my entire time in Masci to greet and see as many people as I could. I knew that they would all be surprised at my getup. Marami akong nakita at nakausap today. I'm sorry if I could not mention you all. I will, however, highlight some of the general impressionsi.

Most people would hardly notice me at first glance. They probably assumed that I was just another student. I don't remember who said it, but someone mentioned na mukha raw akong Sophomore. Haha
- Nung napagtanto nilang ako si Ella, they naturally asked why on earth I was back in blue. I usually answered "Magrerepeat na po kasi ako ng HS. " :))

It was Ma'am Habal's birthday and I was privileged enough to have a slice of her cake. :) Thanks Ma'am! Happy birthday!

Piniktyuran ako ni Carla sa outfit ko.

Most teachers would look at me for a while and assumed me to be a student before realizing who I really was. Some, like Ma'am Reyes, had to think whether I had already graduated or not.

Time flew so fast I hardly noticed that I had to leave. I had short encounters with as many people as possible. But I was indeed very happy as I crossed the road back to UP.

Akala ko di ako papasukin sa CAS. Pinapasok naman ako. Haha. Sabi pa ni Kuya, "Ikaw ba talaga yan?"

When I saw Ma'am Pagtalunan, she of course asked why I was in my uniform. I answered, "Ma'am, I forgot to mention that I would be repeating high school. This I'm afraid is my last day in college." :))

My classmates had all changed into civilian clothes except for Ace. Kaya naman nagmukha talaga akong bata. Haha. Sabi nga ni Denise lumiit daw ako lalo. :))

Bago umuwi, nangtetrip ako ng mga tao. Ngakunwari akong isang nawawalang bata na hinahanap ang iba't ibang lugar sa UPM. Buti sinasakyan naman ng mga blockmate ko. :))

Some quotable quotes that I remember throughout the day:

"Bagay pa rin sayo yung uniform" - Sir Adam

"Na-miss ko yung physique na to!" - Francis, pertaining to my getup (Ako rin Francis, I missed it so much).

"Nene, mag-iingat ka ah." - blockmate

"Hinahanap mo yung Dean ng CAS? Kaharap mo na." - Tatay

"Mukha kang 2nd year." - Random person

Ang saya talaga ng araw. Masaya ako na pinanindigan ko ang uniform ko hanggang matapos ang araw. Ewan. Iba talaga yung feeling nung suot-suot ko yung uniform. Naramdaman kong bata ulit ako. Naramdaman kong High School ulit ako. Iba yung feeling. Ang saya talaga. Salamat sa lahat ng nakasama ko ngayong araw. Mahal ko kayo lahat. :)

Oh, and I just remembered. Some time long ago, I was told that I am prettiest in my uniform.